This is Not Titanic
by nashie-chan
Summary: After the...er...unexpected results of High School Musical, the cast of Kingdom Hearts is back to shoot the biggest movie of all time. The bad news: pretty much everything. The good news: technically, it's already a disaster movie...
1. Restart

_**This is Not Titanic**_

_By Samurai-Nashie_

Disclaimer: I own DVDs of the 1958 _Titanic_, _A Night To Remember_, the 1996 _Titanic _miniseries, and the special edition of the 1997 version. I also own book compiling the Senate hearings to the _Titanic _sinking, two _Titanic _fiction books, three _Titanic _research books, the _Titanic _Broadway soundtrack, and the book that goes with that CD.

Um…I don't own _Kingdom Hearts_. And I lay no claim to the ship (despite the incredible amount of evidence above to prove otherwise).

oOo

Once upon a time, there was a fellow named James Cameron who decided that he wanted to be really really famous. So he got a group of other people together and said, "Hey, lets be famous!" And the other people, "Yes, verily!" And the group of people, plus one fellow named James Cameron, got together and put together a project.

And this project was henceforth dubbed "Planet Ice" but, after deciding that such a name sounded too stupid and too much like an episode off a random National Geographic show or magazine or…something sciency like that, they realized it probably wasn't a very good idea. Bad science fiction movie notwithstanding, the title was changed.

So it was as the appropriately-named _Titanic _that the grossly over-budgeted movie premiered in late 1997.

And _Titanic _went on to make a kabajillion dollars and win five million Oscars and the song that that lovely French-Canadian lady sang was only played on the radio six hundred thousand times…every day. Not even a movie about pirates with questionable hygiene or a guy who thinks he's a spider with questionable fashion sense could pass that (though a movie about little tiny dudes looking for ring of questionable homicidal magic powers tried).

Since then, its two stars, Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, have faded into anonymity (gosh, the narrator really thought that they would HUGE stars by now with multiple Oscar nominations and the like…humph). _Titanic _soared into the history books once again…

Ten years later, it's anniversary time.

…and the narrator only thinks it's quite right that the cast of _Kingdom Hearts _get a part of the action.

Yup, sucks to be them.

oOo

It was a dark and stormy night.

Okay, so if by dark and stormy, you meant bright and sunny, and if by night you meant middle of the afternoon…then yes. It was indeed a very dark and very stormy night. Details, details. It does sound more spectacular the first way around. And much more angsty. And we all know that _Kingdom Hearts_ could use more angst…right?

Anyway, it was a dark and stormy…uh…a bright and sunny afternoon.

And Axel hated water.

Not a surprise, really, considering that the eighth member of the Organization had control over the exact opposite element. And goshdarnit, water was _wet _and Axel did not like to get wet. It messed up his hair (which, after drying, became a nice little red afro that made him the source of constant teasing amongst Xigbar, Demyx, and Larxene), and trudging around in a heavy _wet_ leather coat was not his idea of fun (he blamed Roxas for that mission – damn those singing crabs).

(Actually…just don't ask about that mission. There was cheesecake at ransom, and Xaldin still has yet to live down the whole incident with the Samuel L. Jackson wax statue…)

Anyway…

The fact that Axel hated water definitely wasn't good news, considering what movie they were currently filming. It had taken a good deal of persuasion on Roxas' part (and not _that _kind of persuasion - MINDS OUT OF GUTTER FANGIRLS!!!) and the promise of root beer-flavored jelly beans in order to pull the red-headed fire-wielder onto the set. And even then, the rest of the cast was subject to Axel's mutterings about drowning, dolphins, and yellow submarines.

That was how Demyx found him one morning before shooting began. (In complete contradiction, Demyx had been very happy once Vexen had explained to him what Titanic was about, and that it involved lots and lots of water. Very, very, very cold water. And dolphins). The ninth member of the Organization was casually walking around the re-created Southampton docks, wondering how in the world he had gotten stuck in a role where he had to wears hats again, when he stumbled across Axel glaring at the very big, very titanic…er…_Titanic_.

"Hey, Axel!"

Axel glared at him.

"Yup, good morning to you too!" Demyx said cheerfully, glancing up at the ginormous ship. "Looking forward to starting?"

"No."

"Ah, okay." And when it became clear to Demyx that Axel wasn't inclined to go deeper into conversation, he grinned and did what Demyx always did - kept talking for no apparent reason. After all, the more screen time he got, the more fangirls he got (though…considering in the second - or third - game, our resident sitar-player occupied less than three minutes of screen time). "So, this should be a lot better than _High School Musical_. At least we're not getting brainwashed this time. Okay, so technically, _I _wasn't brainwashed - and you think the fact that I saved everybody would get me some more respect but _no _- "

Axel scowled. "Demyx - shut up."

"Axel, this thing you have with water has got to go," Demyx said with a bright smile, gesturing to the giant ship. "We're going to be on an unsinkable ship for the next…er…however long it takes to finish this thing, and then it's smooth sailing from there."

"This "unsinkable" ship sinks, Demyx. Remember the huge "IRONY" sign that got delivered with the scripts? And all of us have to get into the water." He frowned suspiciously. "Actually, _you _don't have to."

Demyx grinned. "Yah, I'm just lucky like that."

The resulting fire and mushroom cloud was probably not Axel's fault (at least that's what he would claim later), but it did burn up quite a lot of nifty wooden boxes and created a cool Hades-esque affect on Demyx's hair. It actually was quite funny to see Demyx running back and forth in a panic until he realized that he controlled water and could affectively douse himself.

Of course, it took him awhile to realize this, and when he finally did conjure up a nifty-looking FMV-geyser, his White Star uniform was decidedly scorched and soaked.

Crap and a half.

oOo

Welcome to the part of the story where the narrator explains everything leading up to the story in lavishly-detailed paragraphs filled with exposition. And the reader will sigh in annoyance, but grudgingly read through information that they needed to know in order to make any sense of the hopelessly garbled story.

But in order to make this tiresome practice more entertaining, the narrator has hired Mr. Sean Connery to read the exposition in thrilling, Scottish detail!

At least, that's what the narrator would say if she actually had any way to pay Mr. Connery. So, the narrator supposes that it'll have to be typical, boring story format. Sorry, y'all.

As it turns out, soon after the disaster known as _High School Musical _came to a close (in a not-so-rip-roaring-off-scene-exploding finale), forces unbeknownst to the Organization were already planning to pull the Nobodies into something even more dire than a Disney-musical - a famous romantic drama, not quite unlike _Gone With the Wind_ (the narrator personally thinks that Roxas would have made an absolutely darling Scarlett O'Hara).

The forces that would set this evil plan into motion were currently unknown to the Organization (though they suspected that someone named Voldemort was behind all of it). However, once again, when presented with the unbreakable contracts, the Organization had come to the realization that they were between a rock and a hard place again.

There was some amusement in the fact that even Xemnas hadn't escaped the wrath of the contracts this time around.

The Organization's Superior, who had FINALLY stopped monologuing about Kingdom Hearts some days after the end of the last story, had received a nice platinum edition version of the contract (complete with a fifty-dollar mail-in rebate and a holographic card of a smiling lawyer holding up a trout). Xemnas had stared blankly at the contract for a minute or so before reading the bright pink Post-It note attached to the five-inch thick tome that read: **HAVE FUN!**

Xemnas had later cursed every known cursable thing and pouted miserably about the unfairness that is contracts and really really big scripts.

Lexaeus had thought about the whole thing, and suggested to Xemnas, "Well, look at it this way: at least we don't have to do the musical version of _Titanic_." (And yes, readers. It does exist - it even won the Tony for best musical…yes, it is a strange world).

Somehow, Xemnas was not comforted by that thought at all.

Now, as for the question of how in the world the crew had managed to recreate the _Titanic _itself (which, of course, they going to sink in a magnificent showing of awesome CG-affects that would put _The Matrix _to shame and win them lots of Academy Awards, despite the fact no really watched that part of the Academy Awards…)…well, lets just say it involved Luxord, forty-thousand munny, some blue paint, and an amazing rendition of "Beyond the Sea". Either way, they got a remarkably identical ship and discount coupons to IHOP.

Luxord congratulated himself on a good deal if he had ever heard one.

Either way, with the ship sitting on some random nonexistent port, and random Nobodies casted in the parts of extras, the only thing left to do was, of course, everyone's least favorite part of shooting a movie. The casting.

And, as was suspected, everything went downhill once the Organization found out who they had to portray, there was much grumbling and muttering and actually quite a bit of death threats…

Roxas and Axel, of course, hadn't said a single word of complaint. After all, they were just relieved that by some stroke of luck, they hadn't been cast into the parts of Rose and Jack. Roxas had guessed that maybe the casting director (whichever idiot was in charge this go-around) had just been colorblind and simply hadn't seen the color of Axel's hair, but he was glad nonetheless that he didn't have to pretend to fly on the bow of the ship.

It definitely sucked to be Sora and Kairi though.

The narrator is pretty sure that the Sentinel that had been watching over the Destiny Island trio still is in the repair shop after Kairi throttled it when finding out that her character had a scene lacking in the clothing department and a kinky backseat sex scene with Sora (Sora, on the other hand, had turned around five different shades of red before collapsing because of a nosebleed - Riku had been faintly amused by the entire thing).

Well, it wasn't all bad. Because Sora, Riku, and Kairi had been pulled into the production this time (along with a slightly bewildered Naminé), and none of their fancy contract negotiations could get them out, the trio had demanded that if they had to be in it, then it was only fair if certain other people had to suffer along with them.

Which is why, at eight o'clock in the morning, Cid Highwind was reading through his script and cursing James Cameron, the Atlantic Ocean, and toaster strudels, all while trying to ignore Yuffie who was cheerfully whistling "Row Row Row Your Boat" in a constant round.

"Wouldja shut up already? You're givin' me a headache," the engineer muttered darkly as he glared at the toaster that simply refused to emit a strudel without making it Cajun-styled. Yuffie grinned, and wagged her finger at him.

"Cid, it's a toaster - not that hard to figure out," the ninja teased. "See - this button means toast."

"Argh!" Cid began to bang the toaster against the counter and chewed miserably on his…piece of straw? Because of course, he had been Disneyfied, and simply could not be chewing on the cigarette that so often hung out of his mouth in his native game. Cid is therefore addicted to straws, bales of hay, and blades of yellow grass for the rest of this story simply because he can't have any nicotine. Except for the gum. Maybe the gum.

"They were right - the narrator does ramble a lot," noted Aerith (or Aeris, seeing as how Squeenix so cleverly decided to avoid pronouncing her name in both _Kingdom Hearts _and _Advent Children _- losers). She was currently being pretty and kind-hearted and mystical and not-dead-for-some-unexplained-reason on the other side of the room. "See?"

"Yah, yah, yah," Cid grumbled as the toaster exacted its revenge and popped a flaming strudel right into his face, happily burnt to a crisp. "Argh!"

As Cid then proceeded to cuss out the toaster in every imaginable curse word ever, Leon sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose wearily.

Stupid contracts.

oOo

Somewhere else (as is often the case when one is not in the location of the previous scene), a young man tugged on a black coat and pulled the hood over his head, effectively concealing his face. He glanced towards the mirror, and grinned, winking at himself.

"Best idea ever."

And without any fanfare, the unnamed director of _Titanic _strolled out of the room, controlling the urge to laugh maniacally.

Because that probably would have been totally out of character.

Probably.

oOo

**Author's Note **(29 Sept 07): Has it really been nearly three months since _This is Not High School Musical_? So much for a speedy sequel, huh?

Okay, so here is the first chapter of _This is Not Titanic_. Uh…I don't know. I don't really have much to say about it. If you're a new reader and haven't read _This is Not High School Musical_, I'd suggest checking it out as many jokes will probably refer to something back from the original work.

If anyone checks out my user page (which I constantly update with "OMG I NEED TO UPDATE" messages), you'll realize that I have around six fanfictions in the works right now, five of them _Kingdom Hearts_, one of them…_High School Musical _(don't ask). I'm going to try my darndest to keep updates regular, but don't hurt me if updates can get up to a month in-between. Work plus school and homework plus social life (which, according to one of my professors, I'm not supposed to have if he's giving the right amount of homework) is crazy busy.

Wondering where I am? The link on the user page connects to my LJ, where I hang out often with my plot bunnies.

Love you all much, and reviews are heaven!

- Nashie


	2. Flashbacks

**__**

This is Not Titanic

By Samurai-Nashie

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

oOo

Long, long ago, there was a romance writer named Albert von Rentabuggie. And Mr. von Rentabuggie was a pretty awesome romance writer (if such a thing existed) - he had this cool ability to make characters seem alive, and to make the plot move at an exciting pace, and he had this knack for writing just enough details to make the reader's imagination come alive (and when it comes to romance novels, there really isn't a lot to leave to the imagination).

So one day, Albert was going to his Idiot's Guide to Latin when he noticed a mysterious dollar bill lying on the sidewalk. He picked up said mysterious dollar bill and examined it very carefully - on the back of the dollar bill it said, "Life's mysteries explained! Call Ronald at 555-2345." And Albert was so entranced that he pulled out his cellphone and called Ronald right then.

And Ronald told him, very succinctly, "The mystery of life is that we cannot prevent disasters!"

Unbeknownst to Albert, a car was speeding down the street towards him (because Albert was jaywalking and talking on his cellphone at the same time, completely not paying attention to the fact that someone was blaring a horn at him - idiot). Just when Albert von Rentabuggie's life seemed OVER, someone ran into the street, and shoved him out of the way, and the car continued on its merrily, speeding way.

Albert, dazed and confused, looked up at his savior, and, lo and behold, it was Ronald! And Albert pointed his index finger to the sky, and shouted, "What a coincidence! Here I was saved by the cynical man who told me that disasters cannot be prevented, and yet here he is, saving my life. Therefore, I can continue writing my stories and become rich and famous, all thanks to this man here."

And Albert dubbed this moment deux ex machina, for some unknown reason, since technically, it wasn't really - more like some serious jumping of the shark but whatever.

What does this have anything to do with the story you are currently reading, dear readers?

Well, not much, except for the fact that it was all in _italics_, therefore indicating a FLASHBACK! Which is, after all, deux ex machina in itself, a handy little device created for exposition reasons only. And for lazy writers.

Whatever you prefer.

oOo

"It doesn't make any sense!"

Vexen was irritated. Okay, so Vexen was irritated most of the time, but this time, he was really irritated. He was furiously writing down equations in his notebook, as if trying to figure out the meaning of life (which, the narrator believes, probably couldn't be solved by an equation).

Demyx walked next to him, eating a piece of the "pi" pie/cake, poking it occasionally with a fork. "What doesn't make sense?"

"How we ended up making a DCOM after all – that's what doesn't make sense. And the fact that you somehow helped saved everybody else."

Demyx shrugged. "I'm special, I guess."

Vexen snorted. "Special. That's one way to put it."

Demyx would have feigned hurt (he actually made a hurt noise), but his mouth was currently full of devil's food pie/cake, so he had to settle with glaring. He quickly chewed and swallowed. "It doesn't matter anyway. I mean, everything's done, nothing's been irreversibly destroyed…well, I suppose the high school being blown up would be considered some serious property damage…and the Stargate that was inside probably cost a lot too…"

The blonde scientist frowned. "When did the high school blow up?"

"Huh…oh. Axel went back and blew it up. I think he took Roxas with him." The musician scratched his head. "Though I suppose that would explain the fact that the "How to Hide a Mushroom Cloud" book was gone from the library…"

Vexen said something about an Organization of imbeciles under his breath, but Demyx didn't quite catch him. He finished off the last of his cake, and then tossed the now empty plate into a nearby trashcan (for those environmentally-conscious, let's just say it was recycling bin). He sighed, and stuffed his hands into his coat pockets. His fingers brushed against something, and he frowned, before pulling out two notecards.

"'Don't fall into character,'" he murmured as he read the first card. He frowned, and handed the note to Vexen. "Hey, Vexen. Does this mean anything to you?"

"Probably a reference to some previous chapter," the scientist shrugged.

Demyx made a face and tossed the notecard into the nearby tras…er, recycling bin (which seemed to be following them around). He then looked at the second notecard, reading it beneath his breath. After a few seconds, he scratched the back of his head, and handed the piece of paper to the other blonde. "Hey, Vexen."

"What now?"

"I don't get it."

The scientist groaned, and snatched the piece of paper from the younger blonde's hand, quickly reading over it. As his eyes scanned over the words, a dark, murderous look crept onto his face (which was more dark and murderous than it usually was).

After a few seconds of silence, the Chilly Academic cursed very loudly and then shoved the piece of paper back in Demyx's direction. The musician quickly caught it, stunned, as the other Organization member began to storm down the hallway, yelling for the Organization to hurry up and get to the meeting room. Demyx blinked, looked down at the note in his hands, and then began to chase after the irate fourth member.

"Wait! Vexen! I still don't get it! Who's James Cameron!?"

oOo

After some yelling and fighting and an awesome car chase in the middle of a Los Angeles highway with Bruce Willis and Dan Aykroyd, the Organization was once again in their uber-nifty meeting room. Not to say that they were all in the best of moods - after all, Vexen had just dropped the bomb on them that they had once again been contracted into making another movie. And this time, one that was made on a much greater scale than High School Musical_. _

Xemnas was paging through his platinum edition contract (he had actually sent in the mail-in rebate), not really saying much of anything, though he was currently planning the castration of whoever decided to sign the Organization up for another ridiculously popular pop culture movie again. Exactly who got their kicks from watching this stuff anyway?

"Who the hell is making all these contracts!?" Larxene demanded angrily, as if reading Xemnas' mind (a trait that the Narrator prays doesn't actually exist). "Didn't we just get finished making sure this never happened again!?"

"Maybe we should hire ourselves a lawyer," grumbled Axel as he idly flipped the DVD he was holding in his hands, looking very tempted to burn it five thousand ways to hell and back. Of course, that would take some pretty expensive CG-affects that the Organization just couldn't afford at the moment, so he just settled with creating a ring of fire around the poor disc. "It might actually help one day."

"I would like to know whose ingenious idea was it this go-around?" Luxord asked, with a contemplative look on his face. "After all, the Higher-Ups really have no holding power on this…movie. What would be the point in making us do yet another inane script that may or may not fail miserably?"

This question would have to remain unanswered, for at that moment (wow, what a coincidence!), a sharply-dressed woman magically poofed into existence. She was wearing a white crisp blouse, a high-waisted navy blue pencil skirt, and a pair of a five-inch gold stilettos. Dark blonde hair was pulled back into a tight bun at the nape of her neck, and her eyes were currently cast down at a clipboard in her hand.

No one in the Organization said a word - though they all glared darkly in the direction of the Narrator, who simply shrugged and continued eating her caramel apple.

The woman didn't seem to be inclined to say anything, and the room was very, very quiet for about two minutes until Xemnas cleared his throat, and said, "What is your business here?" The woman frowned at her clipboard, placing a well-manicured finger on her spot to keep her place in reading, and turned to look up at the Superior. She raised a perfectly-arched eyebrow.

"This is the Organization XIII, correct?" she asked in a loud, accented voice. Xemnas would have continued, but the stylish woman cut him off. "My name is Belinda von Brügensteiner, and I am the assistant director to the production you all will be working on. We'll get two things straight, yes? First of all, I am, first and foremost, the Nobody of a German lawyer - do not even think about irritating me. Second of all, the stilettos are worn for a reason that I will be happy to demonstrate on anybody wanting to cop a feel. Do we have an understanding?"

There was complete and total silence. Then…

"The Nobody of a German lawyer?"

"Yes."

Vexen refrained from groaning as Axel contemplated how they went from Ralph, an ordinary (possibly now anonymous alcoholic) Nobody to the supermodel-esque, masochistic Belinda (someone, somewhere, was being sued for stereotypes). Xaldin simply scowled in the direction of the Narrator, who shrugged and continued drinking her hot chocolate.

"You're our…assistant director?" Roxas finally ventured. Belinda nodded curtly. "Then who's our director?"

"You all will meet him shortly," the blonde woman said, putting one hand on her hip. "You are all in very capable hands. Meanwhile, I have here all your scripts…" She waved her hand in the air, and, just as it had so many weeks ago, rather thick scripts appeared on the laps of the various members of the Organization, landing with uneventful plops.

"I am suddenly overcome with dread," remarked Axel dryly as he poked the extremely large script (which had actually gone as a negotiation contract last Halloween, only to splurge on candy and end up bent over a toilet for most of the night). "Exactly how long is this one?"

"Three and a half hours."

"…Damn."

For a long time, silence once again reigned in the room, and the only sound that could be heard was the turning of pages. Well, actually, that was the only sound next to the constant muttering and groaning of the Organization members who wanted to know why was it so hard just to get hearts, and didn't they just hire a lawyer, and oh yeah, he quit when Xigbar used his hat for target practice, and where exactly did he get that hat anyway since it was possibly the ugliest thing in the world?

Then…

"Son of a…"

All hell broke loose once again.

oOo

Some weeks later…

"Interesting transition, that," Luxord noted dryly as he shrugged into a dark blue button-down. "Couldn't think of anything less jarring?"

The Narrator proposes that the Organization attempt not to break the fourth wall this time around. Unless the Organization's tenth member is volunteering to pay the bill this time around…?

"I think I'll pass," the gambler murmured as he stepped from his dressing room onto the deck of the _Putt-Putt_, a replica of the submersible-launching vessel _Akademik Mstislav Keldysh_. Since no one in the cast or crew could even _remotely _pronounce the Russian name (it should be noted that Vexen _did _try, but ended up giving nearly giving himself a coronary in the process), the faux research vessel was coined _Putt-Putt_, though no one was quite sure who came up with the inane name.

It was a mildly warm day and the sun was shining brightly on the vessel that bobbed happily in the middle of the ocean. Various members of the cast and crew were scattered along the deck, sunbathing (perhaps the strangest and scariest pastime known to man - you have not seen anything until you've seen an orange sixty-year-old man in a white Speedo), making jokes, and pretty much not doing their given jobs. Luxord passed them all, buttoning up his shirt up the third button - someone (no one?) in the costuming department had said something about "effortless smexiness" and "_People_'s Sexiest Man of the Year".

Luxord shrugged.

He approached the stern of the _Putt-Putt_, a frown appearing on his face as he saw Cid chewing on a pocky stick and glaring darkly at the blue water just past and beneath the railing. "Biding your time, I see?"

"Well, we couldn't exactly start without you," the pilot grumbled, biting off the strawberry-flavored end of the otaku delight. "What took you so long?"

Luxord opened his mouth to reply, but a sharp whistle cut them off. Both men turned to where a dark-cloaked figure was approaching them, the only person on the deck to be dressed so inappropriately for the weather. The cowl of the coat was pulled up, concealing the person's face a la the Ringwraiths from _The Lord of the Rings_ (but nowhere near as undead).

"Now, now, gentleman," the decidedly male voice chuckled, waving an impertinent finger at them. "Can't we all just get along?"

Cid scowled, while Luxord contemplated for the umpteenth time where in the world everyone kept getting those knock-off Organization coats. The man standing in front of them, currently arguing over how high the _Putt-Putt _bobbed in stormy waters with a Nobody crewman, was pretty much unknown to everyone in the cast and crew. He had shown up soon after Belinda, who had introduced everyone to their new director.

Somehow, despite the death threats, attempted homicides (that whole strangulation by plastic umbilical cord had been interesting, yet somehow extremely offensive to women around the world), and outright rudeness from the Organization did nothing to scare him away.

They still didn't know his name though, and, for all intents and purposes of this story, took to calling him Guyx.

Luxord personally thought that the Narrator was overdoing it with mystery characters.

The Narrator personally thought if Luxord didn't want to get dragged behind the _Putt-Putt _by aforementioned plastic umbilical cord, he should keep his opinions to himself.

Guyx, having won his pointless argument, rounded on his two actors, arms akimbo and grinned brightly. "Now, where were we? Oh, right! We have to get started. Don't want to get behind schedule or anything." When Cid opened his mouth to complain, Guyx tilted his head thoughtfully, "Though I'm sure Belinda would be _thrilled _at coming from the Twintanic to motivate you guys."

Cid shut his mouth, and Guyx smirked in triumph.

"Thought so."

Luxord sighed and moved over to the submersibles, which the diving crew were attempting to set up for the first scene of the film. Of course, the dolphins that were currently demanding the attention of the more soft-hearted members of the crew were making that difficult by doing random tricks and being completely and impossibly clever and adorable.

It wasn't until four or five hours later, when the dolphins had been shooed away with a beach ball and Guyx had won an argument about Babylonian architecture, that the submersible was finally a good two miles beneath the surface, skimming along the bottom of the ocean for…something. (Due to international copyright laws and the fear that the fourth wall between the _Kingdom Hearts _universe and reality would be completely and irreversably annihilated, the crew can't exactly go exploring the real _Titanic_, now can they?)

Luxord had fallen asleep, only to be awakened by Cid's grumblings about complete and total lack of leg room in the submersible. He frowned miserably at the pilot before glancing out one of the uber-thick windows…and saw nothing.

"Are we even filming this part?" Luxord inquired, raising an eyebrow cynically.

"W-we just needs a few takes and we'll be good," one of the two crewmembers who had been onboard the submersible stuttered quietly, tentatively holding out a handheld video camera. "J-just like we rehearsed…"

"_YOU GUYS DEAD YET_!?"

Cid and Luxord both shot annoyed looks over to the walkie-talkie that hung on one of the walls full of pointless, but interesting-looking gadgets in the MIR sub. They recognized the overly-cheerful voice of their director, and wondered how in the world he got such good reception from two-and-a-half miles away. (Okay, so technically, Guyx may have stretched the truth on how far they were diving - after all, one hundred yards and fifty yards was sort-of like two-and-a-half miles…right?)

"No, I don't believe we are," Luxord replied.

"_GOOD BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO START SHOOTING SOON! BANG, BANG, YOU'RE DEAD_."

Utter and complete silence.

"Where did they find this guy?" Cid grumbled miserably, burying his head in his hands.

oOo

_It was time for more flashbacks._

_"Tense?" Kairi asked._

_It's a flashback. Whatever. I failed English. You no can haz cheezburger._

_Kairi proceeded to ignore the Narrator in the flashback (why the heck would she want a cheeseburger anyway?), and walked down the hallway towards the fitting room. She didn't exactly want to her role as the "poor little rich girl" (the idea of doing anything more with Sora other than a chaste kiss - OMG the cameras! - made her head spin), but Guyx had pleaded with her with such sincerity, she had reluctantly given in._

_And then given him a list of the things she still would not do for the stupid movie._

_They had come to some sort of agreement - Kairi hadn't told the boys exactly what kind of agreement, even though it had been amusing to see Sora turn all those wonderful shades of red - and rehearsal had soon begun after that. A few weeks in had called for measurements to be taken, and now, some time after that, with filming only a week and a half away, there were all just trying their costumes on for the first time._

_Realistically, it shouldn't have worked, but hey, these characters have luck (and three fairies named Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather) on their side._

_Kairi swung open the door, and found that her boys were already in the room, being fussed over by the brightly-dressed fairies. Riku looked a bit perplexed by the argumentative women, and was currently at the butt of one of Sora's jokes. The keybearer was sitting on a stool, just past the rows and row of hung costumes, grinning widely at some joke he made about it being "Riku's turn to get hassled." The plump, blue-clad fairy said something along the lines of, "Oh, you just wait your turn!" before going back to her victim._

_However, all eyes turned towards the door when Kairi shut it behind her. The redhead smiled shyly before hurriedly rushing over to scoot Sora over on his chair. "About time," the young man teased. "I thought you had taken that method acting seriously, and jumped overboard."_

_"Guyx said I couldn't," Kairi replied with a sigh. She glanced over at Riku and gave him a smile. "Looking good, Riku."_

_An icy glare was sent her way, though its affect was dampened slightly by his being prodded and pulled and pushed by the three good fairies as they examined and tried to figure out any last minute details they could add to his traveling suit._

_"You sort of look like a gray penguin in a bowler hat…" Sora noted thoughtfully. _

_"Sora…" Riku ground out._

_"Oh, don't mind him," Kairi said with a giggle. "He's just mad because he can't have all the fancy clothes like we do. Aren't you, Sora? And even then, you have to look like a penguin during that one scene too…"_

_"Hey!" This came from both boys, and Kairi only smiled._

_Her smile instantly vanished with three pairs of eyes turned towards her. Having deemed Riku's outfit "extraordinarily handsome", "yes, just extraordinary", "oh, but I do wish it was another color!", they smiled maternally as they eyes shifted from Kairi to a monstrously-sized hat peeking just behind a rack of clothes. Kairi paled - she had seen that hat._

_She_ hated _that hat._

_So it was with much protests that the three fairies dragged her off towards the changing room - "not in front of young men!", "oh, no, quite indecent!", and "even with those scenes later in the movie!" - and they were gone. Riku turned with a bemused smirk towards Sora, whose ears had turned an interesting shade of red. Sora grumbled something beneath his breath._

_"What was that? I didn't hear you."_

_"Shut up."_

_Riku rolled his eyes, and pulled up another stool, sitting just a few feet away from his friend, and attempting to get comfortable in his light gray traveling suit - the fairies had argued for a good hour on that one ("he does not look good in brown!", "well, what about gray?", "I want blue!"). Removing his hat and then running his hand though silver locks (the fangirls across the universe cheered), he fixed a good-natured glower on his best friend. "I want to know why they pounced on Kairi instead of you."_

_"Because I'm the keybearer - all my deeds are good and righteous and awe-inspiring…"_

_"…and that has nothing to do with what I just asked you." Sora smirked as a yelp came from the general direction of the changing room. Riku sent a sympathetic gaze towards the door, and sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose wearily. "I almost wish we had to do another modern teen movie. Period pieces are a pain."_

_"You speak from experience?" Sora said brightly, jumping off his stool. "Would you really want to do_ High School Musical 2 _when we get to be part of the biggest movie ever in life?" _

"'Ever in life?'" echoed Riku, raising an eyebrow.

Sora began to list of points on his fingers. "Hey, we could have done…let me think…10 Things I Hate About You…She's All That…_oh, but musicals. Let me think - _Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Grease, Rent…_actually, that one would be kind of fun. A rock opera?" _

Riku stared at his best friend. "Sora…I want you to think about the characters in that. Once you've done that, then say that again."

"Okay, okay. Well…at least we didn't do Brokeback Mountain." 

_Utter and complete silence._

_Someone, somewhere, celebrated a bar mitzvah. Somewhere else, there was an unfortunate writer's strike that would result in the glorification of that crapfest…er…lovely reality show known as_ American Idol

_Riku stared. "You did NOT just say that with the Narrator - our yaoi-fangirl obsessed Narrator - present."_

_Sora blinked…and then gulped. "Uh…sorry."_

_The boys were saved from the deviant workings of the (omniscient and extremely reliable) Narrator by the sound of a door creaking open, and three brightly-clad fairies spilling out of from the doorway, muttering amongst themselves ("absolutely gorgeous dress!", "oh, yes, I very much agree", "I like the blue!"). Behind them stepped a walking hat. Actually, no. Kairi was actually beneath the huge, wide-brimmed blue hat (with a bow big enough to put Sailor Moon to shame), dressed in the white-and-blue-striped traveling suit that she would appear in in the 1912 part of the film._

_Sora immediately leapt to his feet and stared. "Oh…wow. Kairi…you look…I mean…"_

_"You look like you can't breathe and your neck is about to break," Riku noted blandly. "Corset?"_

_"Heavy hat."_

_Sora watched in bemusement as Riku went over to adjust Kairi's hat so it didn't look as if her neck would snap from the weight of it. "You two look like the perfect engaged couple," he said with a laugh, tossing Riku's bowler hat at him. The silver-haired youth caught it just before it would have hit Kairi in the face. "Miss Rose DeWitt Bukater and Mr. Caledon Hockley - man, where's a camera when I need one?" Riku only groaned as Sora laughed again, and Kairi, frustrated with attempting to fix her hat, finally took it off, causing tendrils of dark-red hair to stick up in its place._

_This only caused Sora to laugh more. Riku and Kairi shared looks._

_"Water?"_

_"Whipped cream is better."_

_"Hard and fast?"_

_"No - he has to suffer. We should check the back room. Do we have something to put it in?"_

_"There might be some in the drawers…"_

_Before the reader can take this conversation completely the wrong way (too late, you say?), the two teenagers turned towards the fairies, thanked them for their time (without grimacing) and then asked if they could get conjure up raincoats and galoshes for them. The fairies shared looks ("well, I'm not entirely sure if that's a good idea", "what do you poor dears need it for?", "you'd look good in blue!"), and then quickly discussed this amongst themselves before turning back and nodding._

_By the time Sora had stopped laughing, his two best friends had disappeared and left him with the three magical women, who were staring at Sora with that Look in their eyes._

_Sora gulped._

_Dammit._

oOo

Author's Note (03 Jan 08): It's been awhile, hasn't it? Well, I can say that it was mostly my school's fault, for obvious reasons (OMG homework!), but fortunately, that won't be much of a problem anymore. I was also in a rut in deciding where this story ought to go - **This is Not High School Musical **had a clear-cut plot and crazy scheming bastards, but **This is Not Titanic**…well, it didn't. 

Notice the past tense.

Yes, this story finally has a focal point, which I'll get into next chapter - because Titanic is so freaking long, this story might end up being longer than This is Not High School Musical because I intend to write SHORT chapters (10 pages or less). However, I want to have this done by April…hopefully…maybe…96th anniversary of the sinking and all that…

Um…yes…if anyone can figure out what Kairi and Riku went off to do, you win five thousand digital shortbread cookies. Five thousand, I said! Ten thousand if you can figure out who Guyx is - a figment of my imagination, or an already existing character in the canon? Hmmm…

Oh, and the rest of the cast will be revealed shortly. Next chapter will probably be longer - I is tired and I no haz cheezburger.

Till then (next week…hopefully…maybe…)!

- Nashie


	3. Secrecy

****

**_This is Not Titanic_**

_By Samurai-Nashie_

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

oOo

The guy we have come to know as Guyx considered himself to be a pretty reasonable person.

After all, the way his current situation presented himself, handling a bunch of rowdy teenagers with giant magic-equipped keys, a group of Nobodies that are were often paired up worse than characters in the _Gundam Wing _universe, and a handful of their emo-y Squeenix friends (coughCLOUDcoughLEONcough) was not exactly the easiest job in the known universe. In fact, one may have to be considered suicidal, insane in the membrane, or just plain weird to actually want to direct any sort of the theatrical production with the characters from _Kingdom Hearts_.

Guyx never considered himself to be any of those three - well, okay, _maybe _he was suicidal in the mornings, insane when dealing old friends, and weird when it came to battle tactics, but that was totally and completely irrelevant.

Which was why, at three o'clock in the morning, he was pacing in Yen Sid's library, hands behind his back, muttering darkly to himself.

The old wizard, who was sitting at his table reading one of his books, was, for the most part, ignoring him.

Finally, Guyx stopped in the middle of his pacing and spun to face the sorcerer. "They're not going to do it."

Yen Sid said nothing.

"I mean, they're seriously not going to do it. Okay, so _High School Musical_ was what, probably two hours less than _Titanic_. There's no way that they're going to finish this without blowing the ship up in the process. I mean, this movie is called _Titanic_, not _Lusitania_."

Yen Sid only raised an eyebrow.

"And we've only got one scene done! Almost two weeks worth of shooting, and all we have is the part when Luxord and Cid and all those extras go diving for the Heart of the Ocean. Then Zexion destroyed the stupid launching device, and Demyx befriended the stupid dolphins and _they _won't leave us alone, and Kairi is threatening to burn her hat to kingdom come."

Yen Sid snorted.

Guyx sighed dramatically, and crossed his arms, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Sora's terrified of that stupid Renault scene, Axel won't go anywhere near the water, and Vexen is intent on making sure that the stupid ship _doesn't _hit the iceberg."

Yen Sid turned a page in his book.

Guyx frowned at him. "Any suggestions?"

Yen Sid shook his head.

Guyx coughed. "Excuse me, but last time I checked, this entire thing was somewhat _your_ fault. Hint, hint, mysterious sorcerer."

Yen Sid paused at that, and then slowly closed his book. "What do you propose I do, young man?"

Guyx shrugged. "Anything would be helpful right about now. You and I both know that this project _has _to get done. The Director may have started this, but after that whole incident in the bar…" The cloaked man began to pace again. "Okay, so technically, since this is already a disaster movie, not much can go wrong. But if we don't follow the script…"

"If they will not follow the directions, then there is not much you can do," Yen Sid reminded him. Guyx sighed.

"Yeah, I know. Although…" He paused, a slow smile starting to weave its way onto his face. "Although…there might be a way to get them to do it."

"Tell them the truth behind why they must do it, even though the Higher-Ups have no authority behind it?"

Guyx rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. I'll tell them the truth _after_ we finish shooting the last scene. But…I've got a question for you, Yen Sid." A smirk crept onto his face. "How do you feel about alternate universes?"

"I do not care for them much, if I can surmise what you are hinting at."

The cloaked figure put his hands on his hips, and leaned over the desk. "Now you know that if they don't finish this, the universe will be at peril once again. More importantly, I don't think King Mickey will be able to help much considering his current…status." Yen Sid's heavy brows lowered over his eyes, and his lips creased into a deep frown at the implications of the statement. The young man waved his head nonchalantly. "I'm just saying - how often is the universe in peril when you don't finish a movie?"

"It would be wise if you just tell them the truth about the situation…"

"Uh-huh. That means I would have to tell them who I am - and no, I'm not going to do that and you know why - and then I'm going to have to tell them how I'm connected to you." An eyebrow was raised. "You really don't want that story to get out, do you?"

Yen Sid coughed in a dignified matter which may have been the older, mystical way of saying, "hell no."

The mysterious young man laughed. "Okay, so you get my point. Besides, no harm will be done this way. We can just say…some great almighty deity really hates them and stuck them in an alternate universe until they finish the movie. If we film it as close to real time as possible, it _might _take three weeks."

The sorcerer frowned. "And if they do not believe this fabricated story?"

"Hit them all upside the head with waffle irons and say that Sandy Claws did it."

Yen Sid shook his head in condescension. "You remind me too much of His Majesty when he was younger. Always getting into mischief."

The young man grinned and headed towards the door just across the desk.

"Mischief, middle name, the whole enchilada."

oOo

After the whole whipped-cream-filled balloon incident a week prior, one would think that Sora would have learned his lesson and made it an effort not to tease Kairi or Riku. After all, it had taken a good hour to rinse the whipped cream out of his hair, and he was pretty sure that Kairi and Riku had taken pictures and posted them all over their MySpace accounts after that entire bit.

Of course, if Sora _had_ learned his lesson, he certainly sure didn't show it.

Which was why he was sitting in the living room of "old Rose's house" trying not laugh hysterically at the make-up they had put Kairi in. The goal was to make her look like she was one-hundred-and-one-years old, but the make-up crew seemed to have overshot the age by a good fifty years. Kairi looked miserable (and Sora was unsure whether she actually looked miserable or if the effect was due to her wrinkly makeup), her red hair hidden under a wispy, graying wig, and her hands covered in wet molding clay. She wore some sort of faded flowered frock and moccasins that looked like they may have actually been made by the first Native Americans. 

Ever.

"I swear, Sora, if you so much as _think_ of about taking a picture…" Kairi murmured, the surprisingly youthful voice coming from the mask of aged "Rose", "I will kick your butt to Disney Castle and back."

Sora's face was beginning to hurt from the effort to keep from laughing.

At that moment, Aerith entered into the room, wearing a plain pink sweatshirt and a long faded jean skirt. A scrimpy little Chihuahua, whom all the cast and crew had taken to calling Vexen Jr. (well, everyone except the person whose name it originated from, of course), followed Aerith, nearly barking itself into a hernia at its demands to be fed.

"Sora, exactly what are you doing here?" Guyx asked as he wandered into the room, passing by the cameras and the crew. "You're supposed to be out by the Twintanic. If not there, at least hanging out on the _Putt-Putt_." Sora grinned.

"I'm offering moral support."

"It's unneeded and unwanted, thank you very much," Kairi groused.

"Go, Sora."

"Aw, you guys are no fun."

And the keyblade bearer walked out of the room (but not before quickly snapping a picture of Kairi in her "old Rose" get-up, cackling as Kairi let out a protest and promises of physical abuse later - yes, the Princess of Heart could pack a mean right hook).

With Sora gone, the scene continued as planned. Aerith entered the room once again, Vexen Jr. following her again and yapping for attention.

"I'll feed you in just one moment," Aerith murmured as the television in the background began some story about some shipwreck that would somehow result in three more hours of intense movie action.

"…the most famous shipwreck of all, the _Titanic_," came the lady announcer's voice which sounded suspiciously like Yuffie's and Kairi cast a frown in Guyx's general direction. Double-casting was a no-no. "We are with him now via satellite, from the salvage ship Kel…Kelv…Calv…uh, the _Putt-Putt_ in the North Atlantic. Hello, Luxord."

The television screen cut to Luxord, who looked mightily miffed at being interviewed about something he neither knew about nor cared about. "Good afternoon, Yuffie." Of course, one must always keep up the manners. "Pleasant weather in your parts?"

"Uh…"

Someone loudly cleared their throat over the television screen and Kairi suppressed a giggle.

"So…exactly what are you looking for out in the middle of the big ol' Atlantic Ocean?"

Guyx rubbed his temples wearily.

"I'm interested in the untold stories of this liner - everyone is already quite aware of events such as the noble band playing until the very end, and the story between Ida and Isidor Strauss, and the engineers who stayed at their posts even after…"

Someone cleared their throat again, muttering something along the lines of, "get on with it…"

"Either way, we are performing research with technology and…" Luxord trailed off, and seemed to be looking at something off camera. "You might have to speak louder - I'm afraid I can't…oh. Well, I suppose that might be a little bit more realistic…" He turned back towards the camera. "We're using _state-of-the-art_ technology to explore even deeper in the _Titanic _than ever thought possible."

"Dude, you suck. People died there."

Even Aerith couldn't hide her smile at the sound of righteous indignation in Yuffie's off-screen voice.

Luxord looked vaguely smug about the whole thing. "If you're proposing that I'm a grave robber, I must firmly disagree. What I'm doing is a matter of science and research."

"Whatever." Then, quieter, "Loser."

Kairi rolled her eyes, slowly climbing to her feet, remembering that she had to be old and wrinkly and oh-noes-ANCIENT, and leaned heavily on the cane that Guyx had given to her earlier with a decidedly annoying smirk. Aerith turned to look at her, effectively ignoring Vexen Jr. who was barking himself into cardiac arrest. "What's wrong, Nana?"

Kairi inwardly sighed at the name. "Turn that up, dear."

And she really, really dreaded the next part.

She and Guyx had argued long and hard over this particular matter a few weeks back. Kairi had vehemently refused to pose without clothes on, mentioning something about Disney and upset parents and Janet Jackson. Guyx had said something along the lines of the picture being a major plot point in the movie, and Kairi had proceeded to throw an apple at his head, calling him a rather colorful assortment of names before pulling out her Princess of Heart rank, and stomping him to the ground with her sweetness and goodness.

Still, Kairi couldn't help but wonder…

"Don't proceed to worry yourself into a fit over my activities out here," Luxord drawled. "I have museum-trained experts to make sure that the items we find are taken care of properly. There is actually a rather interesting piece of debris we found earlier today that may be of some interest to you…

The camera panned down, and Kairi sucked in a breath…

And then time seemed to stop.

Kairi and Aerith stared at the screen in a mixture of shock and sick amusement. Kairi, immediately breaking character, turned to glare at the director, who was nonchalantly examining his gloves behind the cameras. "Guyx…"

"Hmmm?"

"I thought we had an agreement!"

"Well, I don't see any naughty bits, so I'm pretty sure I held up my end of the deal."

"So you drew _lolicon _instead?"

Aerith hid a smile as Guyx frowned.

"It's not lolicon - per se. Sort of like…explicit moe with a lot of subtle understatments."

"I don't believe this." Kairi flipped the television off and, muttering to herself, headed over to the telephone to give Luxord a piece of her mind. Two feet away from the phone, she stopped and immediately blushed bright red. "Oh, my God, what if Sora sees that?"

Guyx went back to examining his gloves. "Oh, don't worry about that. He will. And Riku has to as well."

He wasn't at all prepared for the apple that went flying by his head. He blinked, meeting a pair of more then royally pissed blue eyes before Kairi walked off the set, pulling off her wig as she went and tossing it in his general direction. Aerith looked over at him, and cocked her head to the side, in that nifty little way she does that shows that she was the only sympathetic character of the bunch. "That went over well."

"She threw an apple at my head!"

Aerith giggled. "Well, at least she didn't throw the entire bowl this time."

Guyx winced.

oOo

Albert von Rentabuggie was terrified of Belinda.

No, "terrified" was much too understated of a word. If "scared to the point of thinking about bungee-jumping off a cliff by his eyeballs into a sea of razor-backed, man-eating pirhanas while watching _Thriller _with the mentality of a four-year-old" could be combined into a word of awesome proportions, then that would much more define his current feelings towards the blonde statuesque assistant director.

He wasn't even quite sure how he had got pulled (read: blackmailed or threatened)into the project. It had something to do with his talents as a romance writer andCorn Pops, he was pretty sure. And there was something in there about Josh Groban and the "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy" played on repeat for three hours straight.

Either way, he was now sitting in one of the spare rooms of the _Putt-Putt_, attempting to decipher the script into something that the cast of this ramshackle movie might be able to understand. Surely he hadn't gone to college for this (okay, technically, if majoring in converting famous scripts into something feasible for the cast of _Kingdom Hearts_ was an option, pretty much every fangirl ever would have taken that class…).

Belinda didn't make it any better. Nor did Guyx. On the outside, Guyx seemed to be a pretty nice guy, a bit of a puppy sometimes because he was so eager to do stuff that often resulted in explosions (of the verbal and literal sort), but there was something ridiculously intense about him, something that seemed to stand on the edge of sanity, and the slightest bit of a gale would surely push him over the edge…

Albert von Rentabuggie grinned at that sentence and jot it down. Even if he was currently holding the worse known job on the planet (Albert has obviously _never_ worked in customer service), that didn't mean it stopped him from writing his memoirs or posting his angsty super-long annoying uncut posts on his blog. 

Or writing his next romance novel.

At the moment, he was currently writing about a down-on-his-luck writer who accidentally falls in love with a beautiful model…or something. He was working out the details.

The door to the room swung open at that moment, and one of the members of the Organization entered. Albert had to admit - he honestly confused all of them left and right (though he had learned his lesson never to call Larxene "Larynx" because obviously that was what would be crushed next time he did so). They were all youngish, in-shapeish, and known for various temper tantrums that were actually quite impressive for those who claimed that they no emotions.

Albert stared at this one - shorter, much younger than the rest of them, blondish… "You're Demyx, right?"

The boy blinked at him. "No…I'm Roxas."

"Oh. Uh…so…uh…Rock's Sis? What can I do for you?"

The thirteenth member of the Organization frowned at him. "It's Rox…never mind. I was actually wondering if you could do me a favor."

"Sure. You seem less homicidal than the others."

"Only on my good days," Roxas admitted with a small smile. Albert felt like crying. "Anyway, there's this problem with my character. He's Italian. And even though Naminé has tried to teach me some of the phrases, I just end up looking…" He trailed off. "Can't he just talk normal? Or…at least, can I?"

"Well…you'll have to ask Guyx…"

Roxas frowned. "That guy's crazy."

_Look at the people in your own Organization first, buddy_, Albert thought dismally, but decided not to say so aloud in case he might be skewered with whatever weapon the boy held. "Um…yeah…I'll talk to him about it. I mean, there's been a lot of changes so far…especially with Sora and Kairi and Riku…and…"

Roxas was staring at him with a puzzled look on his face, and looked ready to ask what changes were going on when the door opened again, this time emitting another Organization member. This time, Albert's mind only took two jumps. Red hair, tall… "Hey…uh…Lexaeus, right?"

"Hey, uh…_wrong_." The redhead grabbed Roxas' shoulder and began pulling him towards the door. "Sora was looking for you…said something about actually learning how to play poker." Roxas frowned, resisting a bit.

"But I thought it just has to _look _like we're playing poker…"

"Roxas, the only card game you know is Go Fish. Which doesn't really look like poker at all."

"And Uno."

"Uno, my friend, does not count as a card game. It is an atrocity that masks itself as a serious card game."

"You're starting to sound like Luxord…"

"Sorry, no British accent. Although Tommy _is _Irish…they're close, right?"

The door slammed behind them.

Albert groaned and buried his face in his hands.

The matter was solved. God hated him like fanbrats hated common sense.

oOo

Back in the mystical tower that Yen Sid called home, said sorcerer was not exactly…at ease with casting a strong and powerful spell on the cast and crew for such a long period of time. Not that he couldn't do it of course, because this was Yen Sid, the great and powerful wizard of…something. After all, he taught King Mickey, and obviously that was a feat in itself.

He pondered over his stacks and stacks of books, though, as the readers all know, the content of the books never really amounted to more than a minute's read. Finding the right spell for the alternate universe was a tricky thing, and of course, when to cast it. It had to be a moment when none of the cast would notice it…or suspect it.

As Yen Sid was pondering these ponderous thoughts, the air in front of him flickered slightly.

And suddenly, the room had two occupants.

Well, actually two occupants and a Latin chorus.

Yen Sid frowned as the members of the chorus tried to comfortably fit in the round room. "Is all this necessary?"

"I am looking for someone," the man in front of his desk announced with a great air of smugness and villainy and fangirl-smexiness.

"You always seem to be looking for someone."

"I believe you know who I'm speaking of."

"You will not find your answers here, Sephiroth."

"_SEPHIORTH_!" announced (read: sang) the Latin chorus. Sephiroth frowned at him, and the Latin chorus visibly quieted themselves.

Yen Sid nodded his head in the direction of the Latin chorus. "Perhaps you should do something about _that_ first before you begin your search. As you can see, it is fruitless to stay here." Sephiroth frowned at him, lifting a silver brown in an obvious show of aversion and condescension. "I do not intimidate easily, Sephiorth…"

"_SEPHIROTH_!"

"But you do know where he is…"

"Are you looking for just one person? Maybe your quest will not lead you to the person you think you seek."

Sephiroth contemplated this. "But for all intents and purposes…"

"_Sors immanis et inanis, sors immanis et inanis_," sang the Latin chorus from their songbooks. Sephiroth sighed, and glared at them. The Latin chorus, having remembered a lot of his summons from the games, quickly shut up (the Narrator must point out the fact that he blows up the planets in our solar system for one of his summons, and the fact that she was scared out of her mind when she first saw that).

"As I was saying…"

"I am sure whatever way your path takes, you will find that person," Yen Sid said, rising to his feet. "Now, if you will excuse me, there is something important that I must do."

Sephiorth frowned at the man's back as he departed, contemplating his words. Then, with a brief flap of his one-wing (OMG, subtle reference to his theme song, LIKE SO KEWL!), he was gone, leaving the Latin chorus standing the middle of the room, patting themselves on the backs for a job well done.

One of the members was a little disgruntled though. "Well, that conversation was as clear as mud."

"Oh, please," one of his colleagues replied. "He can't go spilling out his master plan and shouting all his battle plans to one of the good guys." One of the other chorus members nodded.

"Yeah. What do you think this is? _Naruto_?"

oOo

**Author's Note** (18 Mar 08): Well, a craptacular day at work leads to my third update in less than a week. (Okay, so watching Titanic the other day helps - I want them to be on the ship already...but darn this exposition...ah, well...next chapter).

Not quite sure what to say about this one - oh, wait. No, I don't have anything against _Naruto_, but the English dub scares the crap out of me. And technically, every television show/movie/book/comic has been victim of that famous bit of villain's reciting their evil plans to the good guys…only to have it blow in their faces seconds later.

So, who is Sephy looking for? What happened to King Mickey? Who the fishsticks _is _Guyx and what does he know about the origins of this production that he's not telling?

Yen Sid is five kinds of awesome.

Soon, y'all. I is on a roll - like a hamburger!

- Nashie


	4. Spellbound

__

**This is Not Titanic**

__

By Samurai-Nashie

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

oOo

At 6:00 a.m., somewhere on the _Putt-Putt_, a song by Rihanna was blaring from a radio.

Somewhere, a music critic crawled up in their bed, and sobbed.

In that same vicinity of the song being played, Kairi was not-quite-peering out of her stateroom window, not-quite-grinning down at the group of dolphins (all named after the cast of _Friends_, by the way) that had decided to permanently attach themselves to the deep-sea research vessel thanks to the water-wielding ninth member of the Organization (Joey was a bit of a show-off though, always trying to get more fish).

Not that she cared or anything - Kairi was too busy yawning and rearranging the pictures on her dresser, muttering darkly about the type of torture that she would inflict on Guyx once she laid her hands on him.

(Guyx, after having decided that he really didn't like apples, oranges, and other various round fructus being thrown at his head, had appointed Belinda as the messenger between the two - and the director had retreated to the far corner of the _Putt-Putt_, as far away as physically possible from the irritated princess of heart.)

"_You can stand under my umbrella…ella…ella…hey, hey, hey_…_under my umbrella_…" Kairi sings quietly to herself the most irritating part of the song before deciding that hell, all the pictures are ugly anyway and leaves them be, sitting on the edge of her bed.

There was a knock on her door.

"Come in," Kairi murmured dejectedly, and frowned as the door swung open and various members of the crew poured in…well, various members of crew minus one conspicuously-absent director. In his place stood Belinda, wearing ridiculously fashionable skinny jeans and a white razorback shirt, somehow effectively looking very picturesque and pretty, making Kairi feel like the shortest creature on the face of the planet (and dammit, Riku wasn't even in the room!), and intimidating all of the other crew members in the room.

Kairi would have been impressed if she wasn't cursing the woman's non-genes.

(Unbeknownst to Kairi, the Narrator has discovered an unwritten law that all humanoid Nobodies, namely certain neophytes of a certain Organization and subsequent adders-on, must be ridiculously good-looking, overwhelmingly tall to the trio of protagonists, and constantly normal people feel rather inadequate- they are the Gisele Bunchens and the Brad Pitts of the KH universe).

"Kairi, Guyx says that we are going to shoot the last scenes before transferring to the _Titanic _set, yes?" Belinda asked, though the tone of her voice obviously said that she really couldn't care less about Kairi's opinion on the subject. "You not speaking with him is troublesome for production, you realize this? It makes difficult everyone's job."

Kairi sighed, glancing at the pictures on her dresser. "He drew lolicon of me."

"And? Your point?"

"Why couldn't he had just taken a nice picture of me smiling? This isn't hentai!"

Somewhere, an octopus danced with glee, a reader rolled their eyes at the random use of a Japanese term, and the Narrator turned a distinct shade of green.

Belinda frowned, propping a hip up against the dresser. "Have you even read the script?"

"Most of it."

"Including the part where your character says she doesn't want to look like a porcelain doll in the picture?"

Kairi blinked. "Oh."

"Oh, indeed." Belinda gestured to the crew. "Now, come - find Aerith, Cid, and Luxord. We need to finish this up before eleven. Guyx keeps saying something about filming in real-time."

A half-hour later, the trio had been found, and Kairi, though heavily disagreeing, was back under her white wig and was now wearing a giant brown muumuu that was attempting to drown her before she even set foot on the _Titanic_ set. The crew had edged out of her way when Kairi finally managed to find a comfortable way to sit down on her cot without falling over into muumuu oblivion.

"Are your staterooms adequate?" Luxord asked, only refraining from keeping the bored tone out of his voice because Belinda was glaring at all of them from behind the cameras.

"They're okay," Kairi responded, glancing over at the pet frog in the fishbowl that Guyx had given her earlier (in one of his few trips within fifty feet of the water's edge, Axel had accidentally caused a chain of events that ended up with the three goldfish in someone's bologna sandwich, Larxene howling for Axel's non-blood, and Roxas quietly dragging his friend away from the pier, muttering something about _The Poseidon Adventure_). "Have you met my…uh, grandaughter, Aerith? She takes care of me."

Aerith smiled. "We met just a few moments ago, up on deck. Remember Nana?"

Kairi looked blankly at her, and Cid snorted in the background. Aerith only smiled blithely and tucked Vexen Jr. under her arm (Kairi suspected that she was enjoying her role a little too much - the sweetness and light bit was probably all just an act).

Ignoring the smirk Cid was giving her, Kairi turned to the motley of pictures on her dresser. "These…are, um, my pictures. I like to travel with them."

_Though I can't really remember posing for half of these,_ Kairi thought with a frown, peering closely at handful of some of the pictures_._

(Unbeknownst to Kairi, Guyx had taken a trip over to certain famous webpage for fan artists and proceeded to break all sorts of copyright codes by downloading images of the redheaded princess and printing them off on his InkJet).

"Is there anything I can get for you ladies? Anything at all?" Luxord asked with a raised eyebrow, not _quite _sounding a bit bored by the entire exchange.

Kairi bit her bottom lip. "No, not really."

"_Ahem_." Belinda cleared her throat loudly.

The redhead sighed. "I mean, yes. I would like to see my drawing."

"Cut," called Belinda from behind the cameras, and she peered down at her watch. "Very good. Lets move to the lab deck, and finish this up. Guyx wants you -" she gestured to Kairi, "out by the _Titanic _set as soon as possible."

Kairi would have whined about this or at least put on a mighty princess pout, but the idea that Belinda could be as bad as Larxene on her good days stopped her short. The idea of Belinda and Larxene having a face-off made her skin crawl and her stomach drop to her feet in dread. Clearing her throat, she hurried out of the room, nearly bowling Aerith and Luxord over as she did so.

"She seems eager to shoot our next scene," Luxord noticed dryly as he rolled up his sleeves. Aerith cupped her hands behind her back and glanced at the ceiling in amusement, passing by him as she did so.

"I think she just wants to get back to Sora and Riku as soon as possible," the beautiful not-dead Ancient murmured in a sing-song voice.

"I wasn't aware there was an OT3 in this," Luxord smirked.

"There's always an OT3 somewhere in this."

"I heard that!" Kairi shouted from halfway down the hallway before turning a corner and disappearing.

Aerith only laughed.

oOo

On the _Titanic _set, "Captain" Xemnas was slightly annoyed.

No, not annoyed. He just thought the entire thing was an great BIG inconvenience.

He stood on the bridge of the ship, staring out at the bow that jutted just forward of the crow's nest. Tapping his fingers irritably against the wheel, he turned to where Xigbar, also dressed in the White Star officer's uniform, was casually flicking random switches on a panel behind him, looking vaguely amused by the lights that lit up every time a certain configuration of switches were flipped. Despite urgings from the make-up crew and costume crew, Guyx had decided thoughtfully not to attempt to make anyone portraying a historical character actually look like said character. This decision had been met with relief by Xemnas, Marluxia, Vexen, Xigbar, and Xaldin, for various reasons.

Cloud had been a bit wary of the idea of wearing an officer's cap, but Guyx cheerfully reminded him that his hair never got squished under a SOLDIER helmet, and therefore would survive under an officer's cap. Cloud had begrudgingly and slightly suspiciously admitted this was true, but Guyx had wandered off after that, saying something about being grateful that it wasn't humid and afros.

Xemnas hadn't cared the least bit - he was just pleased that he didn't have to wear a fake beard.

And just a moment for the Narrator to grin like an idiot at the image that sentence produces: Xemnas with beard! Moses!Xemnas, ftw!

Ahem.

Anyway, the captain and his first officer (Xigbar had been usurped the position of chief officer by Xaldin, who only snorted at the idea before going off into the galley to make himself a salad) were currently hanging out on the bridge, waiting for the seventh princess of heart to arrive, and were generally bored to tears.

Of course, things never stay quiet for long when any member of the Organization is around.

Which is why at that moment, Demyx came running through the bridge, nearly knocking Xigbar over, dashing from the port side to the starboard side, skidding around a corner and disappearing. Xemnas and Xigbar watched his retreating figure in mild surprise, and turned to the portside entrance, only to see Zexion calmly step onto the bridge, slightly adjusting the tilt of his officer's cap.

(A moment, once again, for the Narrator to say that Zexion in an ship officer's uniform equals fifty kinds of smexy. Please dwell on this mental image for a few moments…)

(…thank you. The Narrator now returns you to your regularly scheduled story.)

"Care to explain, Number VI?"

Zexion frowned. "Not particularly." And with that, he continued his path through the bridge, following Demyx's hasty path. Xemnas and Xigbar shared looks, and the latter opened his mouth to say something when Vexen wandered in, his green eyes narrowed in slight irritation.

"Where did they go?"

"Starboard side, heading aft. Vexen, what…?"

Vexen only growled a response before stomping past the first and second members of the Organization and disappearing from the bridge as well.

Now, Xemnas was decidedly confused, and when Marluxia, dressed in a blue tweed suit, came hurrying around the corner, Xemnas put out his arm and halted him right in his tracks. "What is going on, Number XI?"

The pink-haired man frowned and then crossed his arms, having realized that he wasn't going to get by the Superior without a decent answer. "Did Demyx, Zexion, and Vexen just come through here?"

Xemnas narrowed his eyes. "Yes."

"Was Demyx running for his non-life?"

"Demyx is always running for his non-life," Xigbar noted nonchalantly as he began flipping the switches that closed all the watertight doors several decks below. "Exactly who did the kid piss off this time?"

There was a crash somewhere aft of the bridge, and three pairs of eyes turned towards the starboard entrance to the bridge.

Marluxia raised an eyebrow. "Somehow, they both managed to irk Vexen, which is a feat in itself for Zexion. I'm not quite sure what they did, but…" He looks slightly prickly at this point, "they knocked over five tables in the Parisian Café, two deck chairs, and they nearly knocked over the cherub on the landing of the Grand Staircase."

Xigbar snorted. "And why are you all upset over it?"

"Because they knocked me _into _a lifeboat!"

Xemnas refrained from rolling his eyes (as such an action was bequeathed only to teenage girls and more immature members of the Organization), and turned back to look out on the docks of Southampton…or at least the set that appeared as the docks of Southampton. "Continue on then, Number XI. I would hate to deter you from revenge."

Marluxia frowned curiously at him before casting a gaze on Xigbar, who only shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno - take his advice. He's the Superior."

When the scythe-wielding member of the Organization had gone, Xigbar began to laugh. Xemnas snorted. "Whatever could be funny?"

"The idea that four of your Organization members are engaging in a violent, destructive game of tag on a ship that you're captain of that sank almost a hundred years ago." Xigbar smirked. "And think about it - we haven't even started shooting yet."

Despite that comment, Xigbar couldn't help but wonder why Xemnas banged his head against the wheel.

oOo

"Is there something you want?" Yen Sid didn't even bother to look up - he honestly considered buying locks for the doors on his magical tower, if people kept barging in like this.

Guyx planted his palms on the front of his desk, and leaned over, careful not to poke his eye out from the sorcerer's conspicuously-pointy hat. "Do you have the spell?"

Yen Sid only raised one bushy gray eyebrow. "Indeed."

"Okay, so this is going to work, right?"

"Are you doubting my skills as a sorcerer?"

Guyx laughed, rubbing the base of his neck. "Nope - sorry. I just really need this to work and keep them occupied - and hopefully find a way out of this that doesn't result in the destruction of the forth wall and the canon universe as we know it. Have you had any success finding anything about King Mickey?" Yen Sid frowned, and then shook his head, closing the book he was reading.

"I'm afraid not," the old man said mournfully. "His captors are very…problematic, to say the least."

"The bastards," Guyx muttered, resting his hip against the edge of his desk. "No new letters at all?"

"There was one," Yen Sid said, waving his hand. In a poof of gray smoke and blue sparkles, a yellowed letter appeared next to the director, strangely floating in midair. "It was addressed to you - I believe someone is trying to find you."

Guyx snorted. "It's not a certain General with his own theme music, is it?"

"I doubt he would write you a letter."

"True," the dark-cloaked young man murmured, unfolding the letter and beginning to read it. After a few moments, he sighed, and then tucked the letter into one of the pockets of his coat. "Not good." The tone in Guyx's voice was very dire, and Yen Sid knew that whatever was written in the letter did not bode well for any of those involved with the current project.

"Troubling news?"

"Nothing too bad…for now," Guyx said vaguely. "But the spell…when can you cast it?"

The old magician opened his book, his gnarled fingers silently flipping through the page until he came to stop at one particular page with a bunch of mystical texts on it. "When the young girl descends into a flashback - for the sake of continuity, the spell will not include all of them. And be warned, young man. This spell can only be broken by the blowing of the chief officer's whistle by the young princess. If he loses it or she is unable to perform this task, you all may be stuck in this alternate universe for all eternity." The old man fixed the director with a serious gaze. "I cannot ensure the safety of His Highness if the keyblade master, his friends, and the Organization are forever lost to the strands of time and space."

Guyx nodded. "Yeah…I know. Rocks fall, everybody dies."

"There will be no way for me to contact you directly while you are in this alternate universe. Only through a medium will I be able to do that."

"Damn. I have to pick someone?"

"Indeed."

So it was with much fussing and grumbling, Guyx settled on one of the cast members that were going to be left behind in the real universe. Yen Sid was unsurprised by his decision, though he did raise an eyebrow when Guyx threatened to throw his hat out the window if he even _slightly _hinted at his real identity. Having been sworn into secrecy (probably for the seventieth time since he met the strange youth), Yen Sid watched as the director departed for another but hopefully not the last time.

Looking around the circular room and not quite letting out a wise, all-knowing sigh, Yen Sid waved his hand again, and a piece of paper as well as a inkwell with accompanying pen appeared on his desk. Removing the pen from the inkwell, Yen Sid posed the tip of the pen over the paper, and then, for a long time, the only sound in the room was the scratching of pen on parchment.

oOo

"It was too heavy…I only wore it this once," Kairi explained to the group of researchers around her, though she refused to look at the drawing. Aerith tried to hide her smile as she peered at the drawing.

"You really think this is you, Nana?"

Kairi _almost _successfully refrained from frowning at the nickname.

The cast and crew had gathered in the lab room of the _Putt-Putt _(after managing to pull one of the cameramen away from the dolphins still being annoyingly cute outside), filming the last scene before the BIG FLASHBACK OF DOOM! Kairi had not quite drowned in her muumuu yet, and was actually looking forward to wearing the more-fitted dresses created for her by the costume crew (while developing a deep-seated hatred for all thing muumuu).

"I tracked down the necklace through old insurance records," Luxord mentioned briefly, sitting back in the folding chair he had set across from Kairi. "There was an old claim settled on terms of absolute secrecy. Do you know who the claimant was?"

Kairi tilted her head to the side curiously, but said nothing.

"Do you?"

"I'm…not quite sure what to say," Kairi admitted, glancing off at the Belinda. "I mean, I would say Hockley, but then it would be Riku Hockley, since we're not really going by the character's names, and that just sounds weird." She scrunched up her nose. "Kairi DeWitt Bukater? Sora Dawson?"

"It actually sounds like a really poorly written romantic parody," Cid murmured, from where he was chewing on a…oh, lets say it's a coffee stirrer.

The Narrator chooses this moment to break tense and say that Cid should really watch the things he says in regards to parodies because he could end up line dancing on the stern of the _Putt-Putt _in nothing but pantyhose, hot pants, and Kairi's muumuu.

Kairi giggled at the mental imagery, and Cid spluttered.

"Ahem," Belinda cleared her throat. "Ignore the mechanics of character identification. I'll ask Guyx about it later. Continue with the scene."

"Okay…um. Someone named Hockley, I guess."

Kairi tried to keep the grin off her face as Cid shifted uncomfortably in the background. Luxord only looked mildly irked at being interrupted, but continued. "That is correct. The Pittsburg steel tycoon filed the claim for the necklace his son Riku bought in France for his fiance - you - a week before he sailed on the Titanic."

"The claim was filed right after the sinking though," Cid put in, attempting to ignore the images dancing in his head about muumuus and hot pants. "The diamond would've had to have gone with the ship."

"You'd think that, wouldn't you?" murmured Kairi, but was effectively silenced when Belinda cleared her throat.

"Did you notice the date on the drawing?" Luxord gestured to Aerith, who peered once again at the drawing.

"April 14th, 1912."

"Which means if you're grandmother is who she says she is, she was wearing the diamond the day the _Titanic _struck the iceberg," added Cid. Then he rubbed his temples wearily. "This is way too much exposition. Can't we just fast-forward a couple of hours when she hits the ice cube?"

AHEM. The Narrator would like to REMIND Cid that any defamation or belittling of the iceberg will only result in deep-drying of certain reproductive parts of his anatomy, is there Narrator perfectly CLEAR!?

Cid winced. "Yeah, yeah - I get it."

THANK YOU.

"I thought she was going to try to stop with the interruptions from now on? It's quite irritating," Luxord murmured as the group moved over to the items from Kairi's stateroom. "And very distracting."

Aerith gave Cid a sympathetic look, and patted him on the arm. "It's okay, Cid. I'm sure she didn't mean it. Though, it might be in our best interests to actually finish this scene."

Kairi glanced heavenwards and wished for a miracle to save her from this nightmare.

After having looked at the items Luxord presented to her (and squealing in fright when she saw her own reflection in the mirror), and watching a rather obtuse CGI-version of the sinking, Kairi was very much in need of aspirin and a nice long nap. But no - directly after this, she had to hop aboard a helicopter and fly over to the stupid Southampton deck and change into that ridiculous neck-breaking hat.

Somewhere, a part of Kairi cried.

"Thank you, Cid…for that very…emotionless analysis," Kairi murmured, shaking her head. "The experience of it…was far different though."

"Would you share it with us?" Luxord asked, even though he honestly didn't look the least bit interested. Kairi glared at him, and Luxord snorted. "Would you _please _share it with us?"

Kairi settled herself deeper into her chair, folding her muumuu around her. "It's been eighty-four years…"

"I know that was a long time ago, and it may take a while for your decrepit memories to stir…"

"Excuse me, can I tell my story?"

Luxord hushed up, and Kairi shifted again. Somewhere else, a spell was beginning to weave.

"It's been eighty-four years. I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. _Titanic _was called the ship of dreams…and she was. She really was."

Somewhere else, Yen Sid watched as the paper in his hands begin to glow.

Back on the _Putt-Putt_, Luxord, Cid, Aerith, Belinda, and the other members of the crew stared blankly at Kairi as she began to glow. The redhead blinked, and managed to say, "Is this part of the…?" before she faded from existence.

Utter silence.

Someone in the crew cleared his throat nervously.

"Um…Belinda…?" Cid ventured.

Belinda's hands clinched into fists. "Where's my cell phone?"

"Was she supposed to do that?" Aerith murmured, staring at the seat where Kairi had been sitting. Luxord sat back in his seat in appreciative awe, cupping his chin in his hands.

"I don't believe so."

It was only a few minutes later when Belinda shouted, "that _bastard_!" loud enough for all the crew to hear for them to confirm that no, that definitely was NOT supposed to happen.

oOo

In a pub on the set of Southampton, Sora and Roxas shared looks.

"Hey, did you…?"

"Yeah, was that…?"

The two shared similar frowns and then looked out at the ship that they would probably be boarding soon.

"Strange."

"Like, Willy Wonka strange?"

"Stranger than that."

"Wow."

"I know."

oOo

Further away on the set, Riku turned in surprise when a very startled Kairi materialized next to him, dressed in her white-and-blue pinstripe suit. The sudden weight of her hat sent her tumbling forward and right into her friend's arms.

"Ack!" Kairi explained before blushing. "Thanks, Riku."

The silver-haired young man blinked at her. "Kairi…how did you…?"

"No idea."

"Weren't you…?"

"Yeah."

"This is probably really bad, isn't it?"

"It would seem so."

oOo

Somewhere else, far away or very close, King Mickey peered around at his surroundings for the umpteenth time and sighed.

"Gosh, this is really lookin' bad."

Footsteps clicked on the floor, and a shadowed figured appeared just out of reach from the bars that prevented the mouse king from escaping. "Hello, Your Majesty."

King Mickey's eyes narrowed. "You'll never get away with this."

"Clichéd sayings, Your Majesty." The figure tilted his or her head to the side. "Oh, by the way, Sephiroth is looking for him now too."

"Sephiroth?"

"Uh-huh."

"_SEPHIROTH_!"

The figure turned and sighed, rubbing his or her head in annoyance. "Who let them in here?"

King Mickey only sighed, and sat back in his cell, and prayed that the others would figure out the trap in time to save the universe from SHEER AND TOTAL DOOM™. Though, hopefully this time, with less singing and dancing.

Of course, by thinking that, King Mickey unwittingly put into motion the ultimate jinx of SHEER AND TOTAL DOOM™.

Somewhere, the tunes of a Broadway melody could be heard playing across the Southampton set…

__

Drat

.

oOo

**Author's Note** (15 Apr 08): _Torchwood _is love, love, love. And I didn't know until recently that Yen Sid is Disney spelled backwards…yah, I'm oblivious.

Tentacle sex scares me - seriously, I think a little part of my soul died when I ventured into that part of Wikipedia.

Not much to say about this chapter…next chapter, the gang is stuck in an alternate universe on a ship destined to sink, Guyx and Yen Sid weave more plots to keep the gang oblivious and relatively safe, and the plot regarding King Mickey unravels more. And sadly, yes, there will be more crack and random singing of Broadway showtunes.

Until then, love, peace, and fishsticks.

- Nashie


	5. Godspeed

_**This is Not Titanic**_

_By Samurai-Nashie_

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

oOo

The docks, piers, and quays of Southampton were bustling with activity, as befitted the sailing day of the White Star's acclaimed unsinkable ship. Passengers and crew alike scampered from one end of the dock to the next, marveling at the sheer beauty of the black-and-white hull and the magnificent tanned funnels that dotted the top of the ship like black-capped soldiers. The gangways were littered with those descending onto the ship, from the richest millionaires to the most humble of immigrants to the hard-working members of the crew. Every so often, the steam whistles would blow in deep, authoritative tones.

It was a glorious day for Britannia, in the bright April sunshine that caused the _Titanic _to gleam with remarkable beauty, and Larxene was having _none _of it.

Glowering darkly from the backseat of the luggage-laden car that drove up to the docks, the blonde member of the Organization scowled darkly, her fingers tapping a irritable staccato beat against the door. First, she hated her hat - some velvety green and feather monstrosity that threatened to annihilate all good sense as we know it. Second, she hated her dress - also some velvety green and lacey thing that required her to learn not to breathe.

Third, she very much hated the part that she was contracted to play - Ruth DeWitt Bukater, scheming mother to the lovely redheaded protagonist, who was sitting next to her, attempting to balance the wide-brimmed blue hat that sat perched at a jaunty angle on her head.

Sparks of electricity cackled underneath the young woman's fingertips as the Renault (yes, an actual old-school Renault that looked pretty damn gorgeous) pulled to a stop dockside. Kairi gave Larxene a disapproving look (although she quickly hid it once the twelfth member of the Organization turned her head quick enough for a normal person to get whiplash), and then the door opened.

Outside, various members of the crew jostled each other for this very important shot - the audience's first glimpse of the 1912 debutante. Kairi peered past the crew to see if she could see Guyx, but unfortunately, the director had decided to hightail it to some other part of the dock (namely, the ship) and was nowhere in sight. Kairi frowned miserably - how in the world was she supposed to find out what was going on when the one person who would know was MIA (and possibly getting drunk)?

"Da da daaa da da da da da daaaaa da da…," one of the crew members cheerfully sang, and Kairi glared at him. The poor cameraman quickly shut up, and hid behind the camera.

"So…" Kairi began as she felt Riku's presence at her elbow. Except she made the mistake of looking at her silver-haired friend and began to giggle.

Riku sighed. "It's the hat, isn't it? I knew it was going to be the hat."

"You like your name should be Thaddeus, or something."

"I wonder what sort of portmanteau the fangirls would create for me and Sora then."

"Sodeus? Thora?"

"Like Thora Birch?"

Someone cleared their throat behind the cameras, and the pair glanced at the cameras in confusion. Kairi sighed, and then murmured, "I don't see what all the fuss is about. It doesn't look any bigger than the _Lusitania_."

"_Mauretania_," someone supplied from behind the camera.

"Aren't they sister ships anyway? Does it matter which one…?"

"…it's the _Mauretania_," the unknown speaker said again in exasperation.

"Well, fine. It doesn't look bigger than the _Mauretania_."

"You can be blasé about some things Kairi, but this is the _Titanic_." Riku gestured to the ship that was still moored to the dock. "It's over two hundred feet longer than the _Mauretania _and much more luxurious."

"One hundred feet," the same unknown voice deadpanned from behind the camera.

"Does it matter?" Riku asked curiously.

"Yes. Historical accuracy."

"Fine," the keyblade-wielder replied, narrowing his eyes. "It's over one hundred feet longer than the _Mauretania_." He headed back towards the car where Larxene was still waiting inside the car (the poor driver, by this time, was nervously watching as the bored Larxene juggled tiny little orbs of lightning in her hand, smirking at him every so often as she "pretended" to almost drop them on his shoulder). "Larxene, your daughter is hard to impress."

Larxene snorted. "Ungrateful wench."

"Larxene!" the voice behind the cameras scolded. Of course, you don't scold Larxene (rule number fifty-seven in the _The Human's Guide to Organization XIII_ handbook, right before "deny Roxas sea-salt ice cream" and "give Xigbar an alligator"), and the twelfth member of the Organization only frowned slightly as a wicked spark of electricity shut down on the cameras. Someone began to grumble, but a quick glance from the blonde quickly shut them up.

"Sooo…" the young woman drawled, raising an eyebrow. "This is the ship that Xigbar's going to ram into an iceberg. Nice."

The crew behind the cameras all groaned and sighed and grumbled about the complete unfairness that was life.

"…" Riku paused at Larxene's comment, and then tugged at the hem of his jacket. "Exactly what am I supposed to say to that?"

"Just keep going…"

"Uh-huh…" Riku raised an eyebrow. "Okay, well, it is unsinkable although you didn't mention that. God himself can't sink this…" He stopped abruptly and tilted his head to the side, glancing at Kairi. "Is it me, or do I get the most ironic lines in this entire film." Kairi laughed.

"No, you do."

"_Please_…can we just do this scene right?" someone pleaded from behind the camera as Yuffie, now clad in typical late Edwardian lady's maid garb, jumped out of the second, less pretty car that had pulled up behind them, and began chatting excitedly to Lexaeus, who looked completely and totally unimpressed with the ship. Lexaeus was also completely and totally unimpressed with the fact that he was delegated to be Riku's valet, a part that only seemed to reinforce the stereotype of him seen in most of the fandom universe.

Lexaeus thought the idea was made of fail.

"Sir, you can't park here! Your baggage must go through the main terminal!" a porter called from the behind the group, tapping gently on Riku's elbow. Riku sighed (_exactly how am I supposed to know where in the world that is_?) and reached into his pocket, pulling out a handful of carefully folded bills that probably was a lot of money. Yay for wealthy passengers and their generous tips.

"Can you take care of it for us? My valet will assist you."

The porter's eyes grew large at his sudden handful of money. "Of course, sir! My pleasure, sir! If there's anything I can do for you…!"

Riku mentally stomped on the urge to rub the bridge of his nose wearily. Was it him or was the actor just a little…too into character?

Lexaeus immediately pulled the over-enthused porter to the side, and gestured towards the back of both cars, which, now that the human passengers had gotten off, in danger of falling backwards from the sheer of weight of the trunks that were strapped to the back. "All of the luggage on this car and that one are to go to the parlor suites B-52, 54, and 56…" He glanced at the crewmembers behind the cameras. "Weren't these cabins for someone else?"

"J. Bruce Ismay," Kairi called over her shoulder.

"Ah. So exactly _where _is Marluxia staying if we take his cabins?"

A cameraman groaned.

As Lexaeus dealt with the porter, the trio of passengers began to make their way to the gangway that led amidships. Yuffie trailed behind, blowing strands of dark hair out of her eyes and attempting to balance three hat boxes in her arms as she did so. Personally, she thought the set looked really cool and authentic, and where in the world had Guyx found all these people? And it was strange…she could have sworn that Guyx had mentioned before that the _Twintanic _was supposed to be a smidge tinier than the actual ship…

Ah, well.

Now this is the point in the film where the audience would be reminded that this was a story being told by Decrepit Rose in the future. Unfortunately, since the princess playing both of the characters was stuck playing the 1912 version and attempting to keep her hat from falling off or breaking her neck, the audience in this case will just have to use their imagination.

Let's just say, Kairi, that is, the character she was portraying, was unhappy to be getting on the ship and getting married and a whole bunch of other teenage angst ala 1912 society.

And it was much of the sucketh.

oOo

Back in the real universe (which may or may not be the real, REAL universe, but the real universe as in regards to…oh, whatever…this is why the Narrator fails at understanding comic books), the remaining members of the cast were still trying to grasp what happened to their comrades, friends, enemies, and lovers (but omg, it was so totally canon!).

Belinda had left once again to try to get in contact with Guyx or any of the members of the crew, but as she was walking away, the remaining three members of the cast heard her begin to curse darkly in German.

Cid was chewing on a…oh, let's say it's a pull-and-peel Twizzler…and frowning at the laptop in front of him. "I can't make any sense of this."

Luxord, who was sitting back in his chair and quietly playing a game of aces up, glanced over at the laptop. "It seems to me that there was irrevocable flux in the space-time continuum the moment Kairi vanished, resulting in an anomaly in regards to the continuity of the cosmos."

"…the hell does that mean!?"

"Irrevocable?" Aerith murmured. She cupped her chin in her hand and leaned forward, glancing at the readings displayed on the screen. "Are you positive?"

"Something occurred, that much I am sure of," Luxord replied, not even bothering to look up from his card game. "I dare say that we are in a bit of a bind though, if a majority of our comrades have been displaced to somewhere where we can't reach them."

"Exactly how do you know all this stuff?" Cid asked suspiciously. Luxord raised an eyebrow.

"Some of us actually attempt to use our full brain capacity."

"Yeah, and some of us actually exist long to use it."

"A clever barb for a person who speaks as though he is from the backwaters of a rural, incestuous county where the idea of an entertaining night is to go cow-tipping."

"Yeah, well, at least I didn't get my ass handed to me by a five-foot-six boy with a giant key for a weapon."

Aerith wrinkled her nose. "This isn't really getting us anywhere." Ignoring the two as they continued their argument, she quickly pulled the laptop away from Cid, and glanced curiously at the readings on the screen. Though she wasn't as adept in computers as some of the other members of the cast, she knew enough to make her way around them (at least she wasn't as bad as Sora, who regarded computers and that sort of technology as an evil worse than the Heartless, the Nobodies, and Maleficient combined). Typing in a few commands to try to discover exactly where the shift in the universe took place, she was concerned, though not surprised, when a message popped up saying, "Unexpected error."

She wasn't surprised - this was Windows, after all.

At that moment, Belinda came back into the room. A cross looked had passed over her features and she looked anything other than pleased (especially since Luxord and Cid were still engaged in their argument). "Tell me how you have something productive, at least."

"Other than the fact that the universe shifted?" Aerith shook her head. "No. I can't pinpoint where it took them, or why it happened. It seems so random."

"Well, that's perfect. Half of the cast and crew are lost somewhere in time and space, we are contracted to complete this within a reasonable amount of time, and no one knows how to fix it." She turned an icy glare towards Luxord and Cid. "And exactly what's all this?"

Aerith shook her head. "Boys being boys."

"Oh, forgive me, I was unaware that cotton-eyed Joe had taken on a humanoid form."

"Says the guy whose accent sounds like the male version of Gwyneth Paltrow's!"

Belinda scowled. "Would you two please stop? We have a pressing issue at hand." The two blond men paused in their tirade, and then slowly exchanged looks that obviously said the fight was far from over. "So, other than the glaringly obvious fact that over half of our cast and crew is gone, is there anything else productive that you could tell me?"

Cid sighed, leaning back in his chair and tapping his fingers against the face of the table. "No. I've got nothing."

"Luxord?"

"I am afraid I cannot contact any of the other members of the Organization, either."

Aerith sighed. "So, what do we do? Other than panic?"

Of course, this would be the moment when someone with exceedingly dramatic timing would randomly appear in the room with a witty saying and a clever device that would solve all the heroes' problems and end the movie abruptly with "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. (Yes, you will never live that down, Certain Television Show in Question. Ever.)

So when Yen Sid appeared in the room looking mysterious and magnificent and magical, the quartet wasn't exactly too surprised at the sudden use of the film and literature cliché. Well, a little surprised - it wasn't as though they were expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

From another point in the fandom cosmos, the crew of Monty Python glared ominously in the direction of the Narrator. The Narrator would _only _like to point out that nobody expects…um, your friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Happy?

"Verily!" Ximénez, Biggles, and Fang called.

Somewhere else, Peter Parker sneezed.

Anyway…

"Who are you?" Belinda asked, crossing her arms, and only frowned when the image of Yen Sid flickered a bit. Ah, a hologram - the day was getting stranger and stranger.

"I am Yen Sid, the former teacher of His Majesty, King Mickey. But that is all I can reveal to you at the moment." The image flickered again. "I have come to request your help - more specifically, the help of a certain Aerith Gainsborough."

Aerith blinked. "Me?"

"Yes." The hologram of Yen Sid waved his hand, and a shoebox-sized container magically poofed onto the table in a cloud of sparkles and glitter and ponies. It was firmly tied together by a giant pink ribbon. "I am unable to leave my realm to give this to you personally, but the person who sends this to you requested that I do so immediately."

Aerith walked over to the box, and, after undoing the ribbon, gently lifted the lid, revealing an excessive amount of bubble wrap within. She smiled slightly. "Should I ask who sent…?" She trailed off, peering at the note that was attached within. Blinking, her eyes scanned over it, and a frown pulled down the corners of her mouth. "Oh…"

"What is it?" Belinda asked, reaching for the letter, but a gesture from Yen Sid stopped her.

"This was meant for Aerith's eyes only - for anyone else who looks at this paper will see only a blank sheet."

"Oh, that's helpful," Cid muttered, crossing his arms and chewing on the nub of his Twizzler. "So how are we supposed to save the others if we don't even know…?"

"What's done is done, I cannot say anymore," the ancient sorcerer murmured, and with a final flicker he was gone, leaving a confused group of four standing and sitting around the table, and one incredibly amused laptop (oh, that laptop was having that time of its life, right about then).

After a couple of moments of silence, Aerith frowned thoughtfully and then refolded the note, placing it in one of the pockets of her jean skirt. Then, she peered at the box and began to move the bubble wrap. And there, nestled underneath the tantalizingly addictive wrap was an iPhone.

There was silence in the room.

"Someone gave you an iPhone?" Cid whistled appreciatively.

Belinda narrowed her eyes and reached forward to pick up. Examining the phone carefully, she then glanced suspiciously at Aerith. "What did the note say?"

Aerith sighed, and gently took the phone away from Belinda. "That everything would be explained shortly."

"If that's not _the _most cryptic thing ever…"

"Please do us all a favor and stop adding your pointless comments."

"Why don't you do the world a favor and go play Uno in the middle of a highway?"

"I'm sorry, did you say something? All I seem to hear is the sound of a dog barking."

"Why you…!"

"Would you both shut up!?"

oOo

Just off the docks of Southampton, an intense game of strategy was taking place, and the crew was trying not to kill themselves.

"This could be the end all and be all…"

"What does that even _mean_?"

"_Vad er du väntan för_?"

"What does _that _even mean?"

Roxas sighed, and adjusted the cap on his head. "Sora, I don't speak Swedish. And…" he glances over at the other two players sitting across from him and Sora, "I think you just one of your twin girls fell out."

Sora groaned, and reached over and grabbed one of the pink pegs from the board and stuck it back in his car. Or at least he tried to - his car was already stuffed with various other family members, and the extra twin had to be put off to the side. Roxas shook his head and then spun the wheel. He really hated this game - the game of _Life_ was completely and totally improbable.

It had started off simply enough - Sora went into debt by starting college first, Roxas started out with a career (as a rockstar, which amused Sora to no end until Roxas told him that under no circumstances would he make any joke about a certain teen idol), and the other pair had mimicked their start. Forty-five minutes later, Roxas had gotten married, had four kids, bought a Victorian mansion, had a mid-life crisis, and donated more to charities than he ever wanted to.

Somewhere in the universe, an AkuRoku fanfiction was born, and it was most likely called _Simple and Clean _or _My Heart's a Battleground_, and there were multiple pairings and there were lovely smutty scenes between our two favorite Organization members, involving under-aged drinking and heavy angst and…

"Didn't we already have this conversation with you?" Roxas asked as he spun his Life tiles in annoyance. Sora was snickering, and the two Swedish guys were sharing uncertain looks. Technically, they were already at the end - Roxas and one of the Swedes had already retired, Sora was only a few spaces away from doing so, and the other young man was spinning the wheel now.

Okay, so it wasn't poker, but whoever won the game got the two tickets, so what did it matter?

The game of _Life _was taking place in cute little pub just off the docks, and the filming crew was trying its darndest to keep the mighty big ship in the background while introducing the male protagonist and his best friend (who had sense made it clear to Guyx some time earlier that no, he was not speaking Italian, and no, he was not speaking with an Italian accent…kapeesh?)

"Again with the jokes," Roxas murmured as the other player also retired, leaving Sora as the last player to move. "I can't believe you bet your keychains."

"What does it matter?" Sora replied cheerfully. "After all, once we figure out what that weird feeling was and we get on board the ship - with the keychains - it's not like these guys will hold it against us."

"_Vad är han talande omkring_?"

"_Jag inte veta, rättvis hålla leker_."

"I don't think the readers are going to be too pleased with having to open up BabelFish in another window…"

"Shhh, Roxas. Remember, this time we have to keep the fourth wall in tact." Sora winced at that thought - he, Riku, and Kairi were going to be paying the expenses from that _last _debacle for the next twenty years.

A few moments later, after the Life tiles had been counted and everyone was happily retired with their ten kids each, Sora grinned widely at the group. "Okay, guys. Moment of truth - someone's about to go on the Love Boat. Roxas?"

"I want to know how come even though I was a rockstar with a salary of eighty thousand dollars, I only ended up with seventy-five thousand extra."

"Because you didn't take out insurance like I told you - remember the car accident." Roxas grumbled and Sora laughed. "Okay, Olaf?"

"One-twelve."

"Hmmm…Sven?"

"Two-thirty-three."

Sora winced. "That high, huh. Um…hey, Roxas…?"

Roxas' eyes narrowed and he gave his Other a suspicious look. "Don't you _dare _say you just lost the tickets and the keychains. This was set up for us to win!"

"Well, yeah…but I was only a teacher, and we know their benefits suck."

Roxas sat back and then frowned at the collection of coins, keychains, and the two Third Class tickets that sat on the table. "So…now what?"

The crew surrounding them shrug. Behind the cameras, a muffled voice reminded, "_Titanic _leaves in five minutes. Whatever you do, do it fast."

"It won't actually leave without us, will it? I mean, Guyx won't let it leave without…"

"I wouldn't bet on it."

"Oh." Sora gave Roxas a look, and then tilted his head to the side. "I've got a great idea."

Roxas was sure that the sinking feeling in his stomach was not due to the prospect of getting on a giant ship for the next five days.

Around three minutes later, Sora and Roxas were racing down the docks, dodging the crowds and the porters and the well-wishers, knapsacks slung across their backs and the crew making a wild dash after them. Following the crew were two very annoyed young men shouting in solid Swedish that they had won fair and square and get back here with their tickets, dammit!

"This was not a good idea!"

"No, it was a great one!"

Roxas chose not even to grace that with a response. They shot around a startled horse, nearly tripped over a family of five, hurdled over random bits of luggage, and then proceeded to race up the third class gangway aft at E deck… "Wait! Hold on a second!"

The man standing at the gangway doors frowned at them. "Have you been through the inspection queue?"

Sora blinked. "Um, yeah. But we need to get on - we got caught up at the bar, and I told Roxas that Xemnas wasn't about to leave without us…at least Guyx wouldn't let him, and…"

"Who's Guyx?"

"Don't let him hear you say that," Roxas murmured from behind Sora. "Can we just board?"

The office regarded them suspiciously, but then relented. "Alright. Come aboard."

The two keyblade bearers jumped the three feet that separated the ramp from the ship, and hurried into the ship, Roxas nearly tripping as Sora haulted abruptly. "Alright. Now all we have to do is find Guyx and ask him what the heck happened earlier? Hey, you don't think the Higher-Ups are doing anything?"

"I don't think the Higher-Ups have any say in this film at all…" Roxas mused as they headed down one of the corridors, ignoring the filming crew as they also boarded the ship. "Which is probably a good thing, seeing how Kairi might still be out on her rampage from earlier…"

Sora laughed, and the two raced down the corridor to find their cabin.

Outside, the _Titanic _slowly but surely began to move down the channel eliciting a cheer from the crowds on the piers below. On the bridge, "Captain" Xemnas was vaguely disturbed by the idea that this gigantic floating prop was actually moving, and made a note to "discuss" it with Guyx later. The only two people who may have had any idea how to man a giant ship like this were currently idling on the _Putt-Putt _and Xemnas wasn't too thrilled about it either.

Still…

"_Farewell! Farewell! Godspeed _Titanic!"

"Where is that music coming from?" he frowned, glancing over at Xaldin, who, sad to say, looked absolutely annoyed by the prospect of attempting to fit his officer's cap over his hair. His sideburns agreed mightily.

Still, the third member of the Organization gestured to the small little radio that off to one corner of the bridge. "I recall Guyx saying earlier that it will set the mood."

"_From your berth fly free_!"

Xemnas looked particularly unimpressed by that statement. "How?"

Xaldin shrugged one shoulder. "It just does, I suppose."

(Somewhere outside, during this conversation, the reader and viewer will just have to assume that _Titanic _avoids a ridiculously close collision with the _New York _and goes about its merry way).

"This isn't even from the movie."

"I know - Guyx said it's from the musical."

"_As you plough the deep, in your arms I'll keep_!"

"I don't know - it sounds quite depressing."

"It's very ironic, I think. In fact, there are enough ironic moments in this film to choke on."

"_Safely west may you carry me_!"

"Like that one there?"

"That would be one of them."

"Hmmm…"

The two men settled into silence, leaving the rest of the crew aboard the ship strangely confused and sharing looks. Almost as if they didn't know what was supposed to be ironic at all…

…almost as if they didn't think the ship was going to sink…

And if Xemnas and Xaldin had noticed, it probably would have solved so many problems later on.

Oh, well.

oOo

Guyx, contrary to popular belief, was not hiding.

No - he was simply avoiding the main members of the cast at all costs lest his body receive irreversible harm, and flung overboard for the propellers to chop up, and the dolphins to feast on. No, when he thought about the alternatives, he much preferred living.

Besides, if none of this went according to plan, they were all screwed six ways to Sunday.

Oh, wait. Sunday was when…

Damn.

Guyx sighed and rubbed his shoulder to work out the kinks. Why didn't that stupid letter he got at the very beginning say he was going to be in over his head. No, it just said something about saving King Mickey, and, in doing so, directing a handful of unwilling people into the biggest disaster movie of all time. How in the world that led him to be placed temporarily into an alternate universe (there was something _very _strange about the universe they were currently residing in, but Guyx had yet to put his finger on it), he had yet to figure out.

Moving away from railing he began to head aft, keeping an eye out for any Organization members that wanted to fry him with their powers, or beat him over the head with an oar from one of the lifeboats. He winced - not good mental imagery.

Well, at least as no one found out who he really was…

Oh.

Wait.

Aerith.

Remembering the note he sent to her, he raced inside, suddenly not caring whether any members of the cast saw him. He needed to explain this to her right away, and hopefully be able to keep in contact with Yen Sid. He hoped his hypothesis worked, or they were so totally screwed.

A few moments later, he burst into one of the cabins in the room, having slowed his speed down earlier so not to knock over any unfortunate first-class passengers, and shut it behind him. Crossing over to the opposite side the room where his desk was - he didn't want to think how much _this _was going to cost him in the end - he grabbed a cellphone out of his pocket, and immediately began to type in a text message (it was one of those nice simple phones where the most it did was ring and text people…oh, and there might have been Tetris…).

Guyx reread the message, making sure it was incredible cryptic yet still informative enough to get a point across, and then murmured something that sounded almost like a spell beneath his breath. But, you know, that would have been completely and totally improbably because Guyx casting spells would have to mean he knows magic, and omg that would be so very…

…oh.

The phone glowed, and Guyx pressed SEND.

Across the reaches of the universe, someone thought a magical cellphone was the coolest invention since coco puffs, and quickly patented the idea.

Don't worry - the Narrator knows where you live, Steve Jobs.

oOo

In the real-but-quite-as-real-as-you-might-think-given-the-fact-that-all-real-universes-in-any-given-fandom-aren't-the-real-real-world universe, Aerith's iPhone immediately began to hum with a Leona Lewis song.

Aerith wasn't quite _what _to think about that.

Glancing around to make sure none of the others were around, she glanced down at the spell-encrypted message, and quickly read it.

And then frowned.

"Oh, dear…"

Reading it once against to make sure she wasn't hallucinating, Aerith typed in a phone number and waited patiently as the other line began to ring…and ring…and… "Hello?"

"Hello. This is Aerith." She paused. "Guyx sent me a message. Is it really that bad, Yen Sid?"

"Indeed, it is. The fabric of the space-time continuum and the continuation of life as we know it depends on the success of our mission."

"That sounds…cryptic. Honestly, can't you just tell me what's going on?"

"There is only so much I can say without endangering the lives of others. However…"

"…yes?"

"There may be some things that I can share with you…" Aerith smiled and sat down.

"I'm listening."

oOo

Somewhere else on the _Putt-Putt_, another…ah…conversation was taking place.

"Will you please cease with your incessant annoyance? I'm aware that your position as the missing link may cause you to think you have something worthwhile to say…"

"Put a sock in it, you Errol Flynn reject."

oOo

**Author's Note **(17 May 08): Man, I love messing with Cid and Luxord. They should have their own series of stories together.

So, _Prince Caspian _is made of five kinds of awesome. No, wait - ten kinds of awesome. Seriously - if you have not seen that movie, go see it. And then go read the books. Or read the books and then go watch the movie. It was so dark and dramatic and fantastic…and, wow.

As for la story…so many questions, so little time. And no, _Simple and Clean _and _My Heart's a Battleground _aren't…_bad _names for stories, but…ah…oh, never mind. I'll probably end up shooting myself in the foot if I say anything more.

Next chapter - the rest of the gang shows up (mostly), Yuffie realizes that you can get motion-sick on an airship AND a regular ship, and King Mickey realizes that he's in more trouble that he thought.

Reviews are a love that nothing on Earth could come between (and they make me happy).

- Nashie


	6. Paranoia

_**This is Not Titanic**_

_by Nashie-chan (because changing pen-names is fun)_

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

oOo

Five-hundred twenty-five thousand six-hundred minutes. How do you measure a last year on earth?

Okay, so technically it was more like fifty-seven minutes, but it felt like much longer, and Guyx was pretty much determining that it was going to be _his _last year on earth if any of the cast caught up with him. Explaining the functions of alternate dimensions of CERTAIN DOOM probably wouldn't fly high on anyone's list of things that made them happy (well, the Organization may not have counted, those heartless bastards - and he met that very, very literally).

He was currently walking down Scotland Road, hood up and ignoring the curious looks of the crew that passed him. For those not entirely familiar with shipboard terminology, Scotland Road is (_was_, perhaps?) a very nifty passage that ran nearly the entire length of the ship, and allowed the crew to play the most awesome game of Marco Polo ever. Of course, this little fact has been covered up by history, and the Narrator makes no claims to disrupt historical accuracy insofar as she knows it.

Anyway…

Guyx had been using Scotland Road to get here and there in the ship, contacting every cameramen and other members of the film crew, making sure that they kept the cast in line. No need to sink the ship ahead of schedule, although he did wish that they would have cast Luxord or Cid as the captain, seeing as none of the Organization members playing the senior officers had any idea how to steer a ship.

Oh, well. What could they possibly run into other than the giant iceberg floating some five days and couple hundred miles away?

So lost in his thoughts about perhaps running into the Loch Ness monster (somewhere far away, a certain teenager turned vampire turned mother bristled at a certain teenager turned werewolf while the Narrator cringed in remembrance of a certain mediocre teenage vampire-story turned teenage _Rosemary's Baby_) or that monster from _Cloverfield_, Guyx didn't even realize that his goal to avoid any members of the Organization had quickly dissipated into nothing. For at that very moment, he smacked right into the Whirlwind Lancer.

Now, lets back up a moment. It is safe to assume that Xaldin didn't spend his free time roaming along Scotland Road (or chasing peacocks at the zoo - that was Saïx's territory). No, the truth of the manner was that, after listening to the original Broadway cast recording of _Titanic _for a few more minutes, Xaldin, despite playing the role of the chief officer, had decided that was enough brain-breakage for the day and went off in search of coffee. Okay, so actually he was searching for a grande, iced, skim quad ristretto, spilt shot vanilla and cherry bone-dry cappuccino with a dab of foam and a sprinkle of cinnamon on top, but he'd settle for a regular coffee in favor of not ruining his OMGEVIL image.

(But we all know that the Organization is addicted to Starbucks - there is no probable way for an organization to be _that _full of misfits and have no one addicted to the money-sucking coffeeshop that originated in the angst-capital of the good ol' U.S. of A).

Back to the story, though…

Along the way, however, he got a little bit turned around, ended up going down more flights of stairs than he thought were necessary, lost his hat, got turned around in a couple of corridors that looked exactly the same, and finally found himself in the Scotland Yard.

Xaldin still wanted his goddamn coffee.

Guyx started at the collision and immediately reached up to fix his hood. Of course, Xaldin wouldn't recognize him, as they had never really met, but still, he didn't want descriptions of his real appearance to make it back it anyone else. He grinned slightly. "Hey, Xaldin."

Xaldin frowned (he was still moody from his lack of overpriced coffee). "You."

"Yes, me. How are you? Enjoying the weather?"

"You have some explaining to do."

"That didn't quite answer my question…" Guyx attempted to dodge around Xaldin, but found this to be slightly impossible due to the sudden appearance of six lances pinning him to the wall. "Ooookay. I guess I have some explaining to do." He paused. "Where's your officer cap?"

"I lost it." Xaldin frowned. "I'm not sure you're aware but the members of the Organization who you have chosen to wear these hats don't exactly have hairstyles conducive to wearing them. Except Luxord, but Luxord doesn't count. Luxord never counts - he's British."

"Yes, well…" Guyx tilted his head to the side and pretended to consider this. "Sorry. But pinning me to the wall isn't going to do anything except turn on the kink alarms of certain yaoi fangirls." Xaldin thought about this statement, and considering the fact that he really didn't want to be in any yaoi fanfics, quickly summoned the lances back to himself, although they still floated threateningly next to him. "Thank you."

Xaldin crossed his arms. "Something strange has happened."

"Well, that sort of narrows it down, doesn't it?" Guyx pretended to be nonchalant, but he was thinking quite fast. Yen Sid's spell hadn't been _that _obvious to the cast, had it? If so, he was going to have a lot of explaining to do, and he was wondering if he would even have enough time to explain before everyone would be like "LOL NO! DIE!!"

Xaldin looked down the length of the corridor and looked automatically cool and mysterious (a secondary power to all members of the Organization, although Demyx was admittedly still working on that). "A couple of hours ago. Right before the ship left port. There seemed to be a…strange disturbance in the space-time continuum."

"There's _always _a strange disturbance in the space-time continuum…" Guyx noted. The third member of the Organization glared. Guyx sighed. "Well, you got me. Something did happen."

"Mind telling me?"

"Actually, yeah. I do-okay! Okay!" Guyx winced as he found two of the lances aimed right at his throat. Determining that decapitation was not in his best interests, Guyx took a deep breath and glanced down the halls. No other Organization member was to be seen. Good. "Okay. The thing is…we're sort of in an alternate dimension."

"What sort of alternate dimension?" Xaldin's tone was flat - Guyx took that as a bad sign.

"Well…here, the extras actually think you guys are the real crew of the _Titanic_. They don't see the film crew at all, I don't think, and…they actually think this is the real _Titanic_."

The pressure from the lances lessened somewhat. "That doesn't seem too bad."

Guyx coughed. "The reason they think that is because, at least in this dimension, it _is _1912. This _is _the _Titanic_. And it is going to sink."

There was a long, dramatic silence (during which the Cheetah Girls took over India). Xaldin put on his even more dramatic DO NOT WANT face. Guyx sighed, and scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah. So we're kind of in a bind."

"Kind of?"

"Okay, understatement. But what's the worse that could happen?"

"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris. This is the start of a beautiful friendship. I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."

"What?"

"Famous last words, director. Famous last words."

oOo

Meanwhile, in steerage, an absolutely riveting game of "I Spy" was taking place.

And by riveting, the Narrator means that the four cast members in steerage were bored out of their godforsaken minds. There is, after all, only so much one can do in a time period that has yet to invent Nintendo DS. Or table hockey. Or the Easy Bake Oven (please let it be known that there _is _an Easy Bake Oven lying around the World That Never Was, but for the sake of the reader's sanity and to prevent brain-breakage, the Narrator will cease in telling exactly whose room it is in).

"I spy with mine eye something…brown?"

"That, dear keyblade master, narrows it down to…oh, wait - half the room!" Axel grumbled, glaring at the ceiling. "This is boring! Can't we hurry up and crash into the iceberg yet?"

That comment got him curious looks from the other passengers, but Axel, being Axel, ignored them. After all, he had more important things to think about (and no, it did not involve a certain blond Nobody, a pair of handcuffs, and melting sea-salt ice cream, thank you very much.) The crew, that is, the camera crew who were being studiously ignored by the rest of the third-class passengers, all shared bored looks, and continued playing their game of Chutes and Ladders (undoubtedly, the finest game ever invented by Western civilization next to Pretty Pretty Princess).

"Well, I'm not sure there is much we can do, since all of Wednesday evening and a good-half of Thursday is just skipped over in the film," Naminé mused, her hands nestled on her lap. The costume and make-up crew had wanted to pull her hair into the braided plaits of her film counterpart, Helga Dahl, but Naminé had only smiled and refused. And when Naminé smiles and refuses, it would be tempting fate to make her do anything she didn't want - after all, she could draw a person doing the can-can on top of an elephant in the middle of Bora Bora, and no one would be the wiser.

Roxas frowned. "Still bored."

"What time is it?"

"_Summertime, it's our vacation_!" chirped some high-schoolers in another universe. Having just escaped the clutches of said universe, the quartet ignored the singing and decided, hey, well if nothing's going to happen, let's go check out Cherbourg (no, not Chernabog, because the Narrator is scared senseless of that thing, and had to turn the volume down when she defeated the boss in KH1...so, yeah. No appearance but big black evil demon creature here).

The group of four headed up towards the poop deck, where a handful of other steerage passengers were already clustered, watching as dusk settled over the ship and the city. The black ocean reflected the _Titanic_'s golden lights, and the setting sun illuminated the silhouette of the vessel beautifully.

It was also, like, two degrees outside and Roxas let out an explosive sneeze.

The keybearer's Nobody looked much displeased by the plummeting temperatures and tucked his hands inside of his pockets. His nose and cheeks were already red, and he grumbled darkly about stupid North Atlantic temperatures and the month of April and thermostats. Sora wasn't faring much better, having been raised in the _Kingdom Hearts _equivalent of the Bahamas (insert obligatory Beach Boy song here), and grumbled darkly. Naminé too tucked her shawl closer to her and scooted closer to Roxas.

Axel, on the other hand, was warm and toasty. Being the end-all-be-all master over fire had its perks. "Ah, fresh air!"

The three teenagers standing near him shared looks.

"Does he…?"

"I've never really…"

"Do you think that we might be able to…?"

And Axel suddenly found himself squished in a group hug. He didn't really have time to say anything, only scowl as he looked down at the three teenagers who had sidled up to him for warmth. He made an annoyed face, but like the good Nobody he was, let them stay there. And the image was so cute and adorable and fluffy, that ten versions of it sprung up on a certain art website because Axel makes such an awesome space heater.

Still…

Axel raised an eyebrow. "You realize if any fangirls see this, they're going to have years worth of smut to write about."

Roxas snorted, rolling his eyes. "Anything I say right now about you being the only hot object around can be taken as subtext so I'll just say Cherbourg looks nice at night." He glared suspiciously at Axel's smirk. "And don't you dare let that go to your head." He then winced - dammit, _subtext_. He was beginning to think that there was some sort of twisted rule in the universe that turned all of his conversations with Axel into double entendres.

Sora grinned and stuck out his tongue, and Naminé giggled, wrapping Axel's arm around her. "Don't worry, Roxas. We don't tell anyone."

Roxas only grumbled.

The group stood there for around a half-hour more, watching as the tenders let off more passengers, including, presumably Tifa, who was portraying Molly Brown. Belatedly, Sora realized that they still hadn't found Guyx to demand answers about that really weird feeling that had had earlier that day. He frowned - okay, so he hadn't really been looking for Guyx because the ship was too big, and hey then there was lunch (and telling a teenage boy about free food was the equivalent of telling high school students about free Starbucks WTFOMGLOLCAFFEINE!!), and then Axel wanted to look around too…

"Guys, do you think we should find Guyx soon?"

Axel frowned. "What, to ask him about that weird…thing that happened earlier?"

"Yeah…"

"Maybe we're all just being paranoid," grumbled Roxas.

"_All _of us?"

"Maybe there's something in the water?"

"Of course there'd be something in the water…there's _always _something in the water…"

"We could go look for him," suggested Naminé, tugging on Axel's hand. "It's only a ship after all. There are only so many places Guyx can be - someone must have seen him."

"Unless he's hiding."

Axel smirked as they headed towards the aft well deck. "Well, he wouldn't be any worse than our old director in that aspect."

As they headed towards the entrance to the third-class cabins (and hopefully find Guyx, wherever he decided to poof off to), something caught Sora's eye a few decks above. It looked as if Kairi and Riku had also come outside to watch the tenders allow some of the _Titanic_'s passengers to disembark. Kairi was leaning far over the railing to look down at the smaller boats, and Riku was laughing at something she said. Yuffie was standing slightly off to the side, looking quite green. Looks like the swaying motion of the ship did not agree with her. Grinning, Sora cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted, "OI!! RIKU!! KAIRI!!"

Scientific tests have been done, and no one is quite sure if a sonic boom is louder than Sora's yelling. (Four out of five dentists agree though - chewing Tridant after meals helps reduced cavities. One out of five dentists is obviously an idiot, and deserves to get kicked in the shin). But, the scientists are still split about the sonic boom debate.

Riku and Kairi both looked startled, but turned to wave at their brown-haired friend. Yuffie managed a half-hearted wave before a strange look appeared on her face, and she ran back inside. Sora grinned, and started to make his way up the stairs towards the upper decks…and was at once stopped by some nameless member of the crew, who frowned at him.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you can't go up there. First class only."

Sora made a face at him. "I'm just gonna go talk to Riku and Kairi to ask them if they've seen Guyx. It's no big deal." He waved his arm. "See, we're not even filming now."

"I don't know what you're talking about, sir, but third class is restricted to this portion of the ship."

"Aren't you taking the method acting a little too seriously?"

The crewmember only gave him a big frown that not even Sora's most cheerful expression could alleviate. The keyblade master sighed, and headed back down the stairs, where Roxas, Axel, and Naminé were waiting for him. "He won't let me through. Looks like we're going to do this the hard way."

"You mean the sneaky way?" Axel asked with a laugh. Roxas smirked.

"The fun way." Naminé looked a little put out, and opened her mouth to say something, but the three boys were already dragging her into the warm interior of the ship, arguing over plans on how to make it past 1912 shipboard security.

Lets just say most of the ways involved a crowbar, some pixie sticks, and that one voice guy from Mortal Kombat (FINISH HIM!!).

Ugh.

Boys.

oOo

This was madness.

Wait, wait, correction. This. Was. _Sparta_!

(Sorry, the Narrator simply couldn't resist).

The bridge was usually the one place on the ship that was filled with accord and aplomb (well, except for those handful of seconds on the night of April 14th, but who's counting?). The master of the ship - in this case, Xemnas - and his officers oversaw the ship there, and steered her safely west towards the grand ol' city of New York (again, except for those handful of hours the morning of April 15th, but again, who's counting?).

At the moment, everything was calm and collected and peaceful.

Guyx thought of it as the calm before the storm.

The bridge had been cleared of all non-essential members of the crew - meaning that the only people (non-people…whatever) on the bridge were all members of the Organization…and Cloud. Xemnas was frowning thoughtfully, his hands tucked behind his back as he peered regally out at the fo'c'sle (yes, that is a very strange spelling for the word "forecastle", but alas, the Narrator knows too many nautical terms to leave them by the wayside) deck.

Xigbar was currently at the wheel, whistling the tune to _Gilligan's Island _brightly , his officer cap skewered just to the side, enough for Guyx to frown in curiosity. Vexen was standing closer to the starboard side of the ship, his nose buried in a book and he was studiously shooting visual daggers at Guyx from over its edge. He pretended not to noticed. Marluxia was preening near him, looking quite uncomfortable with his bowler hat, and if Guyx hadn't warned everyone earlier about the cost of their costumes, looked quite ready to chuck it overboard.

Saïx, Zexion, and Cloud, as officers Lightoller, Lowe, and Boxhall respectively, were also scattered about the bridge. Guyx personally thought if any fangirl managed to get a picture of it, there would be no living it down for any of the members of the Organization. The officer uniforms were just too damn snazzy.

"So…" Guyx drawled. "I suspect Xaldin told you all of our predicament."

"Yes," replied Xemnas. He gave Guyx the ultimate frown of doom. "And you knew of this before?"

"Hehe, perhaps."

That obviously was the wrong thing to say. No less than a second later, Guyx found himself on the receiving end of Xigbar's guns, Saïx's claymore, and Marluxia's scythe. Xemnas looked unperturbed, Xaldin simply sighed, and Cloud and Zexion did nothing (although Cloud still looked altogether annoyed that he had to be at this meeting - well, as annoyed as Mr. Emopants can get). Guyx held up his hands with a laugh. "Woah, woah, guys. Chill. It's not like I _planned _for us to get stuck in an alternate dimension. I'm just the director."

(After this entire incident was over, Guyx was considering adding "darn good actor" to his résumés).

"Last time, our director was in cahoots with the Higher-Ups," Xigbar noted with a wry grin. "Got any reason to give us why we shouldn't believe the same with you?"

"Because…I'm not? Honestly, I have nothing to do with the Higher-Ups." _At least, not the Higher-Ups you're thinking of, _Guyx thought with a inward laugh, but refrained from saying so aloud because hey, he liked his brains inside his head, thank you very much. "Besides, I'm sure we'll get out of here just fine as long as everything goes according to schedule."

"How convenient," Saïx noted dryly. Guyx grinned.

"I know, right?"

Vexen snapped his book shut with an audible thud. "I don't see how you can be so…cheerful at a time like this. This…ship is going to sink in five days time…" He paused, and then frowned at Xemnas. "I don't suppose we can redirect the ship even further south so that it won't."

Xemnas shook his head. "I have no control over that. I am not at the wheel when the ship is supposed to strike the iceberg."

"That's all me," Xigbar proclaimed with a grin. "Lets just find some binoculars for Demyx, and we should be set."

Guyx opened his mouth to protest this change of plans - dammit, the ship needed to hit the iceberg in order for them to get out of this alternate dimension - but Cloud interrupted him. A pair of intense blue eyes settled on him. "Guyx…how real is this dimension?"

The director crossed his arms and looked thoughtful…well, at least his posture was thoughtful since his face was still obscured in the uber-mysterious shadows of his hood. "Pretty real, I think. Why?"

"Because you have to realize - if this is the _Titanic _and it does really sink, then that means that fifteen hundred people are going to go down with her." He paused. "Fifteen hundred people are supposed to die."

Oh.

_Oh_.

Well…Guyx never actually thought of it that way. Now that _did _present a problem. Because even if the Organization members couldn't succumb to hypothermia and the other Nobodies making up the extras couldn't as far as he knew, Sora most definitely could. Cloud, Riku and Kairi's characters were scotch-free, but the keybearer was the only non-Nobody in the cast who could and would. And a universe without a keybearer was not a good universe at all.

Damn.

"So…I guess that's what they call a catch-22..." Guyx thought. The members of the Organization gave him skeptical looks. "Well, all, I have a few errands to make, I'll talk to you all later!" And without waiting for anyone to say anything, he had vanished from the bridge, leaving only a confused group of Nobodies behind.

"Forget this," Marluxia murmured, taking off his bowler hat and marching out the door. "I'm going back to my cabin."

Cloud watched as slowly, the members of Organization XIII disappeared from either the starboard or port entrance to the bridge, leaving only him, Zexion, and Xemnas. Cloud sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. How was it that despite his best efforts he always ended up neck-deep in epic? He believe somewhere out in the universe, a certain group of Refugees were cheering at the prospect.

Shameless plugging for online role-playing games? Never!

oOo

If there was one bad thing about being not-dead, it was that your appearance in any subsequent stories was usually met with fevered hysteria and complaints about retcon. Aerith sort of wished that this bout of insanity would plague Yen Sid so that it would be easier to talk to him, or at least be easier to get him to open up about some things.

She had managed to slip out of sight when Cid and Luxord were arguing over something called BBC, and Belinda was attempting to find a way to reach Guyx (she felt a little bit guilty about that). She had been about to search for Leon to come with her until she realized that whatever Yen Sid was going to tell her was for her ears only, and despite the fact that Leon wouldn't have told another soul, she didn't feel comfortable bringing him along.

Besides, she hadn't seen Leon since Chapter One.

So there she sat, in the magical room, watching as Yen Sid contemplated the spell in front of him with a studious look on his face.

"Is there nothing else you can tell me, Yen Sid?"

"There are plenty of things that can still be learned."

"That…doesn't really answer my question." Aerith looked away. "Obviously, Guyx trusted me enough for you to trust me. Please tell what I can do to help."

"Being yourself is help in itself - you are the medium by which the director can communicate with us."

"You mean Guyx."

"That is the name the others have chosen for him, yes. His true name…I have left it to him when he will reveal it to you."

Aerith sighed. This was like talking to a brick wall. A brick wall with a pointy hat and bushy eyebrows. "Sir, with all due respect, how am I suppose to act as a medium? All he has told me so far is that things will be explained shortly. The only thing you've told me is that the others are all trapped in an alternate dimension."

Yen Sid folded his hands sagely. "Yes. Unfortunately, there seems to be a small…rift in that dimension."

Aerith blinked. "A rift?"

"Indeed. Even in my great power, I cannot create an alternate universe out of nothing. All great sorcerers must work from something - even the lady Rowling knew this."

"Wait. You mean…?"

Yen Sid shook his head. "Do not discuss it. If the fans knew the true aspect of her nature, we would never hear the end of it. The World Wide Web would be infiltrated with conspiracy nonsense and worlds created by young fans that believe in the impregnation of males. For the sake of the universe's continuity, this conversation must never leave this room."

"Ah."

The elderly sorcerer rose to his feet and walked to one of the windows, his hands folded into the small of his back. "But, yes. The dimension they reside in is a pocket dimension, one where another universe sometimes resides when it is not in use."

Alarms went off in Aerith's head, loud and annoying. Somewhere, someone realized this was a plot point, and somewhere else, oatmeal cookies were made. "When it's not in use?" She gave the wizard a wary look from where she was sitting. "What universe is this?"

Yen Sid took a deep breath, but his eyes never left the window. "It is a spectacular universe. A universe that holds the ancient spirits of a talented people - a people who need people and who are often considered the more fortunate people in the world."

Now, Aerith didn't exactly consider herself a cultural junkie. In fact, whenever she, Tifa, Leon, Cloud, and Yuffie played Trivial Pursuit (Yuffie refused to let Cid play because he was "old"), Aerith always laughingly told her team that she never knew any of the answers. After all, she had only given the rest of the group blank looks when they asked her about "Tubthumping". And everyone knows that "Tubthumping" is!

Anyway…

Aerith could only gape when Yen Sid spoke. Because even she knew that reference. "But…why? Why _that _universe?"

"Considering other universes they could have been placed in, this one is relatively harmless." Yen Sid turned back to her, looking mysterious and cool in the light of the universe that sparkled like a LiteBrite. "However, there is no possibility I would have placed them in any discomfort if the universe was not in grave danger." He paused. "And the King himself is in peril."

"King…Mickey?" A concerned look passed over Aerith's face. "What happened? Where is he?"

Yen Sid gave the not-dead Ancient a world-weary look. "He is lost to the fabrics of time and space. It is up to us to free him. That is why the ship must sail. That is why the ship must sink."

Aerith personally thought that made no sense, but refused to say so.

After all, how often was the universe in peril because the _Titanic _may or may not sink?

Oh. Wait.

Sorry, Cyberflix.

oOo

Speaking of King Mickey, how was the Disney icon fairing?

Actually, not that bad.

The unfortunate royal mouse was still in the clutches of his kidnapper although to say he was being tortured and teased and maimed would be an overstatement. In fact, King Mickey really just had to listen to his kidnapper ramble on about _Laguna Beach _and _American Idol_.

Wait - that was some form of torture, wasn't it?

"Are you still plottin'?" King Mickey called from behind his cage. "Y'know, this isn't gonna turn out okay."

His kidnapped swerved his head to look at him, and a smirk appeared on his face. "No hard feelings, Your Highness. I get my directions from a higher source."

King Mickey's ears pricked up curiously. "The Higher-Ups?"

"What? No, of course not. They have absolutely nothing to do with this." The kidnapped grinned. "My orders come from the Boss-lady."

"The Boss-lady…?"

"Yes. The _Boss_."

"Well, that's kinda cryptic."

"Don't worry about it, Your Highness. Everything will be revealed in time. And it'll all end in one big shindig."

"No. It shall be revealed now."

King Mickey swiveled. He knew that voice. He spun around in his cage, and saw a dark portal appear in the middle of the room. Out stepped a dark-clad, thin woman with a scarily green-hued face. Her eyes narrowed and a smile slipped onto her face. "Why, hello, Your Majesty."

King Mickey frowned, and reached for a keyblade that would not come to his aid. "Maleficient."

"Yes. I am so glad we are finally able to speak face-to-face. Unfortunately, I do not have the time to explain everything to you as of yet." She smiled wickedly. "However, please be aware - soon, everyone will realize that I shall not be ignored." The crow that sat on the end of her staff cawed loudly, and flapped to sit on the top of the cage.

His kidnapper finally lifted his hood, and King Mickey stared into the very familiar blue face of the god of the Underworld, despite the fact that he knew all along who he had been.

"How is that this fella managed not to set his hood on fire?"

King Mickey sighed and sat back in his cell.

It was just another one of those days.

oOo

It was about midnight.

Okay, kids. So for those of you who paid attention in science class, you may or may not have learned that as it gets later in the night, the temperatures drop. So the temperature at dusk when the ship arrived at Cherbourg had obviously dropped about five billion degrees. At that point in time, Sora, Naminé, and Roxas all used Axel as a space heater and presented the most adorable image ever in the _Kingdom Hearts _universe (right after Sora chilling with Winnie the Pooh and gang for the lulz).

Now, subtract Sora and Namine from this picture, and suddenly AkuRoku fans all over the world are grinning like nutcakes.

Roxas, having absolutely no defense from the cold except a thin wool coat, was tucked under his best friend's arm, grumbling over the necessity of it. Of course, there was no rule saying that the they _had _to be outside at the moment, but Roxas, being the stubborn blond pygmy that he was, wanted to see the stars. Obviously, that part of Sora's personality had fallen over into his Nobody. Axel had obliged to accompany him to mainly keep him warm because hey, who wants to have a frozen keybearer as one's best friend?

They hadn't found Guyx earlier so Sora and Namine had retired to bed (Sora's idea of being sneaky was tiptoeing past a member of the crew and then tripping over something that resulted in having to start from the very beginning - it's a wonder this kid was able to save the multiverses).

"It's cold," Roxas noted after a few minutes, snuggling closer into his coat.

"I'm just fine," Axel said with a bright smile.

Roxas jabbed him in the ribs.

They would have stayed out longer (and possibly talked about more things that would have the fangirls screaming "subtext!! No way are they just bffs!") but Axel caught sight of a familiar hooded figure walking forwards on the aft well deck. "Hey, Roxas. Hang on here a second. I forgot something."

"You forgot what? We're supposed to be _poor_."

But Axel was already gone, leaving Roxas by himself to protect himself from the chilly April night. His teeth immediately began chattering. Grumbling darkly about heat-supplying redheads and pointless ships and stupid icebergs, he headed towards the very end of the stern. Technically the crew wasn't supposed to be here until tomorrow night when Sora and Kairi first "meet" (love at first suicide attempt?), but Roxas wanted to see the trail the ship was leaving behind.

The Nobody glanced over at the other steerage passengers scattered about the poop deck - notably only two since the other passengers were relatively smarter and didn't go star-gazing at night when temperatures were as chilly as Riku's cold shoulder. So…uh, pretty chilly, yeah.

He was just beginning to not feel his fingers when a noise surprised him.

Someone was….singing?

Roxas looked around the poop deck, but saw nothing. Frowning - maybe it was coming from the common room below - he turned back to look at the foam trail being left by the giant ship. Dammit, he wanted this entire thing to be over and done with. It was too cold and it was pointless and why the hell hadn't Xemnas hired a lawyer for the Organization yet?

Wait.

Again, with the singing?

This time, Roxas, annoyed, spun around to go find Axel…and found himself face to face with a glowing…thing. Sadly, there was no way else to describe it. Perhaps the Ghostbusters had lost track of some of their ghosts? Or maybe Mulder and Scully were beginning to slip? Maybe it was due to fact that the glowing thing was upset that a certain fourth book about a certain love triangle between humans, vampires, and shapeshifters had the most delectably crappy battle climax ever? Well, whatever the circumstances, it was a glowing light of awesomeness and it was…singing? It was some song Roxas had never heard of before, but last time he checked, they had signed on for a historical romantic drama, not a sci-fi musical thriller.

"I've seen weirder things," the teenager murmured (namely, Naminé drawing yaoi fanart and Lexaeus singing Pussycat Dolls karaoke) and moved to go past the glowing cloud of doom, but stopped when the thing brushed his hand. And then…his hand felt suddenly felt slightly warmer. He glanced down at his hand and saw it glow faintly, and spun around in a defensive stance to face the cloud, keyblades at the ready.

But the cloud was gone.

And the warm feeling that had been only on his hand spread through the rest of his body, and then quickly disappeared, leaving him cold again.

Roxas blinked, and the Oblivion and Oathkeeper keyblades vanished.

"That was…weird and pointless," he murmured.

"R-Roxas?"

He turned and saw Naminé, looking much too pale in the starlight, her teeth chattering (obviously, all of these kids want to die of hypothermia before the ship even comes within a hundred miles of the iceberg). "Naminé? What are you doing out here? It's freezing?"

"I-I could ask the s-same of you," Naminé managed with a small smile. She then frowned, leaning forward and touching his arm. "Are you okay? You look a little d-dazed."

Roxas shook his head. "It's nothing. Lets go find Axel."

Naminé linked her arm through his and the two set off for the aft well deck…being followed by a slight rock tune that neither of them could hear.

oOo

Axel wasn't really surprised at the news.

"So…we're in an alternate universe."

"Yes."

"Where the _Titanic _is real."

"Yup."

"And it has to sink."

"Three out of three. Pretty damn good. Have you played this game before?"

"Well…that's just perfect."

Guyx nodded, and crossed his arms. "Yeah, I'm working on the perfect part of perfect."

"You do that," Axel frowned at him. "Until then, what are we supposed to do? Just twiddle our thumbs and wait for certain icy doom?"

"Um…yeah. Fate of the universe depends on it."

"Oh, well, in _that _case…" Axel paused, and then looked around, a frown on his face. "Do you hear that?"

Guyx blinked and then glanced towards the stern. "Is that…rock music? Who in the world could be playing rock music?"

At that moment, Naminé and Roxas appeared at the top of the stairs leading up to the poop deck. Both of them looked slightly surprised at seeing Axel and Guyx together, but having found their heater, quickly snuffed the emotion (oh…wait…) and bolted towards him. The rock music got louder, but neither Naminé nor Roxas seemed to hear it.

"You guys don't hear that?" Axel asked bemusedly. Roxas frowned.

"Hear what?"

"_That _music!"

Naminé and Roxas shared looks. "Nooo…why?"

Guyx sighed and scratched the back of his head wearily. "This is just one of those days."

Roxas waved his hand. "Another chance, another day." He scowled at Axel. "Can we please go inside where it's warm now?" Axel rolled his eyes and allowed himself to be pulled towards the third-class cabins by both blond Nobodies, leaving Guyx out in the cold. Not that the director minded. He pulled out his phone and glanced down at the text message he had received earlier from Aerith.

"Nice universe you have us stuck in, Yen Sid." He sighed. "Man, they are going to _kill _me."

Yup, Guyx. They most certainly will.

After all, being stuck in the universe of Broadway musicals is no fun. No fun at all.

oOo

**Author's Note **(1 Sept 08): I fail. I know. But summer turned out to be much busier than I expected. Plus I got involved with the most awesome of RPGs, and my muse also had been playing…on my laptop, nonetheless. So…yes, I'm sorry very much. However, after this, This is Not Titanic should be going to weekly updates, Please Excuse My French to bi-weekly updates, and Somebody, Somewhere, Someday…well, that only has one chapter and an epilogue left…

But, I feel like I owe you guys something for promising updates. So, my next story. Winter Olympics. The usual gang of suspects. A lovely little Italian café. And Zexion as a hockey player. It's still in the works, but I hope to see you all there.

By the way, Cyberflix is the company that made _Titanic: Adventure Out of Time_, which is such a great game. Aaand, Guyx may have jumped to conclusions about the weather's adverse affects on the cast. Uh-oh.

Next chapter - we finally find out where Leon's been, Kairi decides to swan dive off the back of the unsinkable ship, and the ghosts of Broadway past, present, and future decide to make their presence known. Run, Axel.

Again, sorry for the long hiatus. I'm back for good.

- Nashie


End file.
